My Bible: He's Just Not That Into You

On the way to Philadelphia to visit my sister a few months ago, I needed a quick read for the train and picked up "He's Just Not That Into You." And my life was promptly changed. As in we now refer to that time as Pre-HJNTIY and After-HJNTIY.

I highly recommend this book to males and females; it's a quick read and it'll make you laugh either way.

I, just like any other girl, make constant excuses for guys when they are less than reliable.

Maybe he lost his phone. Maybe he programmed my number in incorrectly. Maybe he died. Maybe a relative died and he's been really busy planning the funeral. Maybe he was mauled by a tiger (yes, I actually did leave a message for Logan Boy asking if he hadn't called me back because he was mauled by a tiger). Maybe he is dying to call me, and his finger is poised right over the button on his cell phone, but he is too scared of how strong his feelings are. Maybe he was kidnapped.

The point is we will tell ourselves ANYTHING, anything, to believe that there is something else going on, rather than facing the cold, harsh reality that he simply wasn't interested. And for whatever stupid reason in his stupid head (he has to be stupid if he wasn't interested in me, obviously), he didn't have the balls to tell me that to my face, or at the very least over the phone.

So, here I was, in the midst of all my excuse-making for the boys in my life, at the time primarily AGA and Client Boy, and it hit me that they were totally and utterly just not that into me, and I was wasting my time worrying about them and wondering when they would call. The deafening silence was pretty clear.

I was depressed for about ten seconds and then I realized how freeing it would be to stop thinking about them.

I have a whole new outlook when it comes to guys now. If they are so idiotic that they can't get it together enough to call me or make definitive plans and actually follow through on them, then they are not worth my time and effort.

Now, as a caveat, my male friend J pointed out to me that HJNTIY is not ALWAYS right. There are times when things do actually come up, and there are times when guys do legitimately get freaked, and not because they don't like a girl, but because they (like us) do have feelings and baggage. So, sometimes, it's ok to throw them a little slack, but only a little.

Updates: Client Boy

Sooo I know I had totally written off Client Boy the last time we discussed and that lasted about one week before I buckled and gave him a call to say hello. After that, we began a strange pattern of seeing each other about once a week.

Now, before you go judging me, let me explain myself.

Client Boy is a (not so) rare breed of male that grew up as an only child mama's boy and has evolved into a totally selfish, semi-sociopathic, kind of grown-up. Thus, he only wanted to see me when it was convenient to him and the most important person in his life would always be himself. He was never malicious and never meant to hurt me in any way; he just couldn't help it because the he always put his needs and feelings first.

The perfect example of this is I found out that the last time Client Boy had a serious girlfriend, he also had an affair with his boss at the time. Now, he never meant to hurt his girlfriend (or the boss who got attached), but in Client Boy's world, his happiness was his number one priority and having both a girlfriend to go home to and a boss to have sex with on the side was precisely what made him happy. And as a result, being a decent human being and sparing the feelings of two females fell by the wayside.

I had been let down by Client Boy over and over again, and I now realized that the only way to deal with him was to have no expectations whatsoever, and then I could never be disappointed. Once I figured all this out, I knew exactly how to handle him. Any plans we made were always going to be subject to his convenience and therefore always tentative on my end. And I had to be prepared to be smothered in affection while I was with him and forgotten when I wasn't.

And why did I put up with this? Because he was a fun guy and I had no problem seeing him once in a while when I had nothing better to do, now that I knew there was absolutely no boyfriend potential there.

In a surprising and somewhat ironic twist, as soon as I had Client Boy figured out and wasn't that interested in him anymore, he of course felt me pulling away, and wanted me around more. He started introducing me to his friends, doing things like kissing me and doing PDAs in front of them (which is kind of a big thing in my world), and then I knew I was in deep when one of his friends said to me, "I like you. You make [Client Boy] really happy and he says you take really good care of him."

As soon as I relayed that advice to my friends, they all laughed uproariously and told me that I had gotten myself a boyfriend. Of course, I knew this was a total lie because the last thing Client Boy would ever want in his life is a relationship, and I am too smart to be that girl anyway. So after that incident, I started to pull away and rejecting Client Boy's invitations to hang out.

Fingers crossed, any day now he'll figure out that I'm not interested any more. Or I can just send him the above e-card.

Updates: AGA

The last time I left off with AGA we had just gone on our first date and I was feeling nothing but tingly, wonderful feelings through and through.

Well I know you're dying to find out how that whole thing turned out, so it's your lucky day.

After a week of texts and phone calls, we went out on our second date and had another great, amazing time. I was thoroughly in smitten mode and driving my friends crazy talking about him nonstop and how cute our babies would be.

And then...three weeks of silence. That's right. Three weeks of not really hearing from him and calling him just to get a text message in response that he was sick. Finally, after three weeks, he contacted me to let me know he had just started seeing someone, after our second date, and that was why he had been so MIA. As in three full weeks of soul-torturing uncertainty before I finally heard from him.

Now, just to back up a little bit, of course I was kind of devastated, but the three weeks of silence had been a definite sign that he wasn't dying to see me any time soon, so I had already somewhat prepared myself for the rejection. And yes, I do appreciate that he told me he was seeing someone and still wanted to be my friend, but three weeks seems excessive. Very excessive.

A good deal of time has passed, so I'm looking back on this with fresh eyes, and I understand now that even though AGA was my magical chemistry kiss guy, apparently he didn't feel the same way about me and he met someone who was his magical chemistry kiss girl. I really can't be mad at someone just because he met someone he felt magical chemistry with.

Yes, I was pretty let down, but one never knows what the future may bring. After all, it took a couple years for us to get our shit together and actually go out on a date, so maybe it'll take another couple years for us to go on a third date.

Neighbor Man

In one of the stranger ways I have ever met someone, about a month ago I was on my way out of my building when my doorman stopped me and asked if he could speak to me outside. Immediately, I was worried that I was in trouble (seriously, I wasn't the one having the party! I swear!), but instead, he told me that one of the men in the building had seen me walking through the lobby and asked who I was. He wanted to know if it would be ok for him to pass my information along on to my admirer.

Of course, my reaction was, "Well that depends, is he cute?"

Doorman responded, "Yes, he's very handsome. And a very nice man. I think he's a great catch."

Now, despite the fact that my doorman might have a man crush on this guy, I was intrigued so I agreed and the next day my doorman presented me with a business card complete with all sorts of home phone numbers.

I waited a few days (as a lady does) before calling Neighbor Man (we are calling him "man" instead of "boy" because he's almost 40 and I really can't justify calling him a "boy"). He's nice, lives three floors above me, works in finance (not another one, I know), and plays the piano. I agreed to meet him for drinks, but right off the bat I could tell that I wasn't really interested in him in any romantic capacity.

Unfortunately, he didn't feel the same way and proceeded to text and call me regularly (even once from Kuwait - I've never been texted from the middle east before!). Finally, I couldn't handle it anymore and I knew I had to put an end to it so I picked up one of his calls when I was in the car with my sister and her boyfriend.

I tried to sneak the rejection in subtly. He asked me what I was up to that night and I said, "Oh, I'm just grabbing dinner with my little sister and our boyfriends."

Him: Who?

Me: Our boyfriends.

Him: Her boyfriend?

Me: Yes, her boyfriend and my boyfriend.

Him: Ooooh, since when do you have a boyfriend?

Me: Oh, recently. It's very new.

Giggling in the background from the peanut gallery. My sister whispers, "And fake..."

Him: Oh ok, congratulations! We can still go out for drinks, right?

Me: Sure, but just as friends.

Awkward giggling.

Him: Why, you're not married, are you?

Me: Um, no, but seriously. JUST. AS. FRIENDS.

I ended the conversation pretty abruptly after that. Needless to say, it was probably one of the most awkward conversations I've ever had. Now I have to spend all of my time sneaking in and out of my building hoping that I don't run into Neighbor Man.

Totally Inappropriate

I've developed a habit of saving my favorite texts in the saved folder on my cell phone and the other night while I was perusing them, doubled over in laughter, I wondered what it is about me that provokes inappropriate texting behavior (or maybe that's just the way guys are). Either way, I thought it would only be fair to share. Enjoy!

"I honestly spent the weekend regretting not finding a little nook somewhere and just trying to fuck like the plane was going down."

"How about you pick up a dominatrix outfit at a costume store then swing by? I'm rock hard"
(For the record, no I did NOT do it.)

"So are you dressed for a sexy adventure?"
(Well, I always am, but thanks for asking!)

"Can I come over to your place a a massive errection?"
(I THINK he meant "as a," but I'm not quite sure...)

And my all-time favorite:

"Let's talk tomorrow..-m gonna jerk off and go to bed lol"
(The typo and throwing "lol" at the end are really what make the text.)

Seriously, is there something about me that screams, "Please, tell me all about your penis!"? Because I don't recall doing so...but then again maybe all guys assume we women are interested in their penises and therefore over divulge information as they see fit.

Feel free to post your own inappropriate texts below!

Vineyard Dude

This past weekend, I went to Martha's Vineyard with my family, which meant there was tons of family drama (AND we were staying in a DRY town, which obviously did NOT help. How exactly does one decide that they are going to blatantly defy an amendment? Seriously, how do you do that?).

In the moment that my sister and I managed to escape from our parents, we perched ourselves on a stoop to watch their July 4th parade when two guys sat down next to us and noticed that I was storing a bottle of wine in my bag (in preparation for returning to the dry town later that night), and started talking to me.

I have absolutely no idea what their names are, so I've been referring to the non-married one as Vineyard Dude. We flirted for a bit, and then the parents came to reclaim sister and I, so we took off, of course not after Vineyard Dude asked for my phone number and I dumbly gave it to him.

Why dumbly? Oh because I was totally unaware at the time, but I was unknowingly subscribing to his life RSS feed. For the rest of the night, about every 10 minutes, I would get texts such as the following:

"Watching the parade."
"In line at the ferry."
"Meg Ryan just ran over my foot with a baby carriage." (Ok, that one was kind of cool.)
"Watching the fireworks and meeting Wasps." (????)

The next day, I figured I was out of the woods, when my phone buzzed with, "Waited 3 hours for breakfast and now walking around in the rain." I turned to my sister and we were laughing about how this guy was crazy when I walked right into him in a store across from our inn. Crazy stalker much?

To make this even better, Vineyard Dude is in Manhattan this week and I (like an idiot) had told him the neighborhood I live in. I am officially walking around in sunglasses and a giant hat until I'm sure he's left the country.

Hiatus

Sorry readers, I've been out of the loop for a while (a long while, I know), because I've actually been focusing on my novel and I just finished it. That's right, I just finished my first novel and am working on the rewrites but as soon as that's finished, I'll be back to my old blogging self.