Monday, August 31, 2009

Celibacy is the New Black

The Pill serves as a daily reminder you're not getting laid

Although most people would describe my summer as an extended dry spell, I have decided to liken it to an exercise in discipline and self-restraint.

I have sworn off guys in the past, announcing loudly that I was becoming asexual and celibate, an amoeba if you will. And much to everyone's amusement, that never lasted very long because within a week or so I would meet some semi-attractive and/or semi-interesting prospect, and my proclamations would quickly be forgotten.

But I have discovered the secret to making celibacy work and it's a bitter pill. After finding out that one too many guys I know are total and utter scumbags, including a handful that I had previously actually trusted, I have absolutely no desire to associate with the opposite sex whatsoever.

Which really isn't too surprising when you consider what happened with the last guy I dated, Shmucks. In addition to being a total moron (he underlined words in his books that he didn't understand, which is how I discovered he still had no idea what the words "coitus" and "irrevocable" meant), he was also a complete dirtbag. One night when he had passed out from too much tequila, his phone kept ringing incessantly so I picked it up to find out that another girl was calling him at 2AM because he had previously texted her (while he was with me): "I want to lick you all over your body."

Telling him to never speak to me again wasn't a total loss, except I probably did a disservice to mankind in that I'm pretty sure him and his friends are a step down on the evolutionary ladder and could've provided scientists with endless hours of research. They are a group of privileged white Jewish guys who are under the impression that they are "gangstas," even going so far as to wear red bandannas (just like the Bloods), which was amusing to me at the time, and just embarrassing to look back on now.

So between him, the Murray Hill adventures, Goldsomething, and just general guy idiocy, I have been feeling pretty disgusted with men, which has probably been the reason I've been extra hostile as of late.

I am infamous in my circle for being rude to guys that hit on my friends and me in bars. I don't like when guys are aggressive in any way and can't take a hint to back off. This has led to a few mild confrontations in the past, usually being called a "bitch," which I've become accustomed to. But lately, I've decided I'm not longer tolerating that and I'm fighting back.

A few weeks ago I was out with my girlfriend S and these annoying guys at the bar offered us shots. I turned them down, but they wouldn't back down, and one of them started to yell out insults and jibes. At this point, I was just fed up, so I turned away but as soon as they had forgotten my presence and were sipping on their drinks, I leaned over and slapped the offender as hard as I could in his crotch.

Side Note: For those of you who are not as violent and/or experienced in the area of ball-attacking as I apparently am, there was a rhyme and reason to my actions. After years of unsuccessful attempts to kick boys in the nuts (yes, I was a feisty teenager, and wow do guys have quick reflexes when they see a girl lifting her knee!) I had all but given up.

However, one fateful day in college I was hanging out at a fraternity with some guy friends when they started playing the "Ball Slap Game," which consisted of them attempting to lightly tap each other on the nuts. Apart from this being absurdly baffling behavior (Seriously. Girls never sit around playing the "Slap Each Other In the Breasts Game." No wonder we're considered the more mature gender), I was amazed by how often they succeeded in their endeavors.

You see, when you go for the slap instead of the kick, you get a great deal more extension with your arm than you do with your knee, so you can place yourself at a further distance from your opponent, giving him much less time to react and defend himself. The key is to wait for someone to let his guard down and then swiftly reach over and smack his genitalia with the palm of your hand.

Just a little lesson for the kids out there!

Anyways, back to my story. After I slapped him in his man area, he yelped out, "That girl just hit me in my balls!" while his friends looked on stunned. He iced his nuts with his cold beer for the remainder of the night while they gaped at me in amazement and I'm sure called me some names to each other, but they didn't dare say anything else to me directly for the remainder of our stay.

For some reason, maybe because I am thoroughly exhausted with men, I found my behavior to be completely acceptable, even warranted, and felt like I had been doing a favor to all females by teaching these idiots a lesson.

However, the rest of the world seems to view it differently. Much to my surprise, when I repeated my tale of bravery, my friends just laughed and asked me with confusion what the hell had come over me and why my gut reaction was to go around slapping guys in the nuts.

The criticism, of course, didn't deter me from my newfound ball-slap reflexes. This past weekend, out with S again (why does trouble seem to follow us?), we met up with our friend C and some of his friends we had never met before. I overheard one of them ask C who sang the song that was playing at the moment and when I leaned over to tell him, he responded with, "I didn't fucking ask you, did I? I was talking to C."

Immediately C apologized to me and the offender's girlfriend reprimanded him with, "You can't talk to her like that, she doesn't know you!" After I got over my initial shock, since I'm not used to people speaking to me like that for no reason whatsoever, I decided I shouldn't react since he was friends with one of my friends.

However, I pulled C aside and informed him that out of respect to him, I had refrained from hitting his friend for being rude to me. At which point C laughed and said, "You have my absolute permission to slap him. He's being a complete asshole."

So with C's blessing, I bided my time, waited until the jackass was in the right position turned towards me with his genitals unguarded, and I leaned over and smacked him with all my might on his balls. What I didn't anticipate was his reaction, which was to instantaneously lean over and smack C in his balls. Both of them doubled over in pain, clutching their respective scrotums. Then the bouncer came over and told them if they wanted to fight, they would have to leave. I received no such reprimand.

I stand by my actions and want this to be a warning to any guy that just thinks about saying something inappropriate in the future. That's right, buddy. You're going to end up with some sore balls for the rest of the night. And that's just the best case scenario. Better think twice.

So needless to say, my bristly exterior has not been making the boys come a-runnin as of late (what's that they say about catching more bees with honey? pah, clearly ridiculous).

But I gotta say, hopefully without jinxing it, by now I'd have expected to be ready to jump the first virile male that crosses my path, and instead I remain completely indifferent to sexual encounters with the opposite sex (and relations with the same sex, I had a fun trip to Lesbian-A-Go-Go a few weekends ago and wasn't particularly interested in testing those waters out either).

For the time being, I don't see any reason to alter my behavior, but that may likely change once I meet a hot guy with or without glaring red flags, or when I am arrested for assaulting some dude's gonads, whichever comes first. And really at this point, I think it's a toss up.

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