Ocho Cinco Dating Tips

So I was sitting around the other day, frustrated, because I'd run into a dilemma. I simply couldn't think of any inventive new ways to meet guys. But luckily for me, HBO was playing Hard Knocks, and I have now found the answers to all of my problems.

For anyone who doesn't know, Hard Knocks is a show that follows different NFL teams through their pre-season. Last season it featured the Dallas Cowboys and this time around, it was a behind-the-scenes look at the Cincinnati Bengals, struggling after their dismal season last year.

The best part of the show, though, isn't the brilliant athleticism that it attempts to showcase, but the comedic genius of Chad "Ocho Cinco" Johnson, their loud-mouthed wide receiver who wants desperately to be T.O. In the midst of his many witticisms, I managed to get the answers I need on how to properly pick up members of the opposite sex, straight from the horse's mouth.

Ocho Cinco Strategy #1:
Invoke Jesus

According to Ocho Cinco's current girlfriend, Maya, they met on a flight when he "borrowed" a wheelchair and pretended he was a cripple so he could sit next to her on the plane. And then as soon as he had her attention, he stood up and said, "Ah Jesus thank you. I'm saved. It's a miracle I can walk!"

Anyone religious and/or with a stringent moral code might want to shy away from this one, seeing as it consists of stealing a wheelchair, pretending to be a cripple, and then invoking Jesus Christ as your own personal savior.

Yes, this might seem to be slightly problematic, but the bottom line is it is downright charming. I know if a guy kidnapped a seeing-eye dog, then donned dark sunglasses to fake blindness, then said he could see again, all to impress me, well I would be damn flattered. The only thing that could make me want to take my pants off more is if he could throw in a cheesy pickup line, something like, "Thank you Jesus for giving me sight because now I can see if you taste as good as you look."

I mean the best part about this move is if it fails, I could just pretend to get injured, thus re-crippling myself, and at least score a pity date out of it. Right? Can't fail.

Ocho Cinco Strategy #2:
Try a Little Creepiness

So, after the "I was a crippled but now I can walk again" gambit didn't quite work with Maya, Ocho Cinco moved on to the next best strategy, violating her private property. While she was sleeping, he took her cell phone and called his own number, so that he would have hers. Then he put his earphones on, so that when she woke up and tried to talk to him about it, he pretended he couldn't hear her.

I am a big fan of being creepy, especially to strangers. Nothing revs up someone's engine like having their personal space violated, and then being blatantly ignored by the perpetrator.

Personally, I find the grabbing the phone a little too passive. I usually like to go straight for a guy's wallet, so I can copy down his name, address, birthdate, social security number, and at least one credit card. This makes it a world easier to run the background and credit check.

And of course, the major advantage is if the background check turns up something I can't abide by, like felonies related to imitating cripples, I still have the credit card number to buy myself a little something pretty. I mean, he'll never notice since he's already buried in debt from those legal fees. And this way I get a consolation prize.

Ocho Cinco Strategy #3:
Be Afraid of Rejection
and
Ocho Cinco Strategy #4:
Don't Be Afraid of Some Mild Stalking

According to Ocho Cinco, the reason he stole Maya's phone and put his own phone number in is this is the best way to get someone's phone number because you never have to actually ask for the digits, which is obviously always awkward and weird, especially if your request is denied.

His instructions are as follows: "You take the woman's phone, you ask to borrow it, you tell her your phone is dead at the present time, you dial your number with her phone and you just call her later on or text her. It might be some kind of stalkerish stuff but it helps with the rejection process. You don't have to deal with being turned down."

This is quite possibly the most genius of Ocho Cinco's ploys because it is so foolproof. You are guaranteed to get the digits, and then you can resort to stalking as a standby if calling/texting incessantly doesn't work.

I mean for all these years I've been taught not to be afraid of rejection, that there's no harm in failing as long as you try, blah, blah, blah. And now I realize that it was all bullshit rhetoric and Ocho Cinco was right. Who needs the fear of failing when you are guaranteed to succeed aided by just a little white lie? Brilliant!

I don't know about you, but I am going to put these little gems of wisdom to work right away and see what kind of results I get from the fellas once I start creeping them out, stalking, lying, faking physical debilitation, and letting Jesus take the credit when I am miraculously healed. I don't see how this method can't fail.

All I can do now is hope that Ocho Cinco gets his own reality show where he teaches hopeless people like me how to pick up and date members of the opposite sex. It's a craft worthy of a Nobel Prize, which let's face it, at this point is probably more realistic than him holding the Vince Lombardi Trophy.