Monday, January 26, 2009

Epic Fail

So in going through all the stories in my head to see which one I'd like to start with, I decided the funniest should be the winner. So here goes...

I met Epic Fail at at a New Year's Party. In fact the meeting him was slightly genius. I noticed he was the hottest guy there that wasn't attached at the hip to another girl and turned to my friend L and said, "He's hot, go talk to him." And L said ok, "Come find me in about 5 minutes."

So L walks over, starts chatting with Epic Fail about guy stuff, and then I wander over in 5 minutes and go, "Ohmigod L I've been looking for you everywhere!" And then he introduces me to Epic Fail and excuses himself to "go get more ice for his glass."

I know, it's a fantastic routine that will be repeated in the future.

Epic Fail (prior to being known as an epic fail of course) was cute, interesting, a fellow writer working on a screenplay about autism, but kind of odd. I mean odd like it's a given that he smokes weed every day, but also that he might be severely ADHD. At least that was my first impression.

I left him to hang out with my friends, disappointed in the lack of possibilities, when he found me to ask me if L was my boyfriend. Of course I laughed at him and made my "ew" face and vehemently denied it (Sorry L, I know you hate when I do that). Then as I was leaving, he asked me if he could take my phone number or if we should just "leave it to serendipity to run into each other again." I looked at him funny and gave him my phone number.

Much to my surprise he called me the very next day to ask if I'd like to get together the following day. I was about to leave for a week-long vacation in the Bahamas, so I told him I could grab drinks, but it would have to be quick since I had packing and whatnot to get to. He said he'd be done shooting around 4PM, so he'd call me then and we'd figure it out.

He did text me around 5PM to say he was done shooting and ask what I'd like to do. I answered that we should just grab drinks and meet up around 8, and then in I didn't hear from him for the next couple hours and was thoroughly confused slash kind of stood up. I finished packing for the Bahamas and was about to get into bed when I got the text: he had taken a nap after work and fallen asleep and slept through our "date". Could he get a rain check for some other time?"

Fail 1.

I raised one eyebrow, told him I was about to leave for the Bahamas but maybe after we got back.

Fast forward a week: I got back from the Bahamas totally refreshed and out of nowhere Epic Fail asks me if we can get together on Saturday night. I said maybe because bff K was in town and we had plans with various friends. But I decided to head over to meet him at a bar and was reminded of how cute he is in person, which is why I had decided to talk to him to begin with. He introduced me to all his friends (they apparently all work on a movie together right now), and I made friendly chit chat with them.

About ten minutes later, I turned around to see what Epic Fail was up to and if he would offer to buy me a drink, but it was hard to get his attention since it was on top of another girl's face as they were making out in the middle of the bar.

Oh that's right, he had his tongue down her throat not 4 feet from me.

At this point I was thoroughly confused so I started getting ready to peace out of there. When he came up for air, I pulled him away to let him know I was going home. Epic Fail then said to me, "S, I can explain. It's not what it looks like. She's my ex girlfriend."

Ex girlfriend? That makes it better how?

(A general note for guys out there. If you're trying to dig yourself out of a situation that doesn't look good for you, the words "ex girlfriend" and "mother" should probably never come out of your mouth.)

I just rolled my eyes, got in a cab, and laughed to myself about what a total fail of a night that was.

Fail 2.

The next morning, I proceeded to get about 15 text messages in a row to this effect:

"Yesterday was an epic fail on my part."
"I can understand if you don't want to talk to me let alone see me, but I would like the chance to make it up to you."
"At least so I could explain what happened last night."
"I was hoping dinner and a movie and drinks after."
"Or we could go skydiving."
"Your call."
"Unless you have a better idea."
"Do you like French food?"

Yes, that absolutely should've clued me in that the kid's off his rocker, but I kind of thought it was amusing and figured I could at the very least get a free dinner out of it. So yes, I went out with him to dinner.

The explanation was as follows: his ex-girlfriend was getting uncomfortably hit on by a guy who wouldn't leave her alone, so she asked Epic Fail to "play her boyfriend". Apparently doing so, meant shoving his tongue down her throat. He swore it meant nothing and he would do it for any of his friends if they were in such dire straits. I just kind of sneered at him and told him I have never once made my ex boyfriend make out with me in public to get someone to back off and that's pretty much the lamest story I ever heard.

But other than that, Epic Fail was pretty harmless and sweet and smitten with me, perhaps since I didn't particularly care about the incident with the ex. Well, whatever the reason, I agreed to accompany him to a party his friends were having where he promptly introduced me as his "girlfriend."

Now, anyone who knows me, knows I consider this to be a very serious thing, and it is SO not ok without checking with me first after we have been dating for like only two days. So I am pretty sure that my face registered with immediate panic.

Shortly after, I called him on it, and he apologized by telling me that he was just doing that to make sure other guys didn't hit on me, and he totally understood that we weren't in the girlfriend/boyfriend zone yet.


Later that night, a few of us went back to his apartment to smoke. We climbed out onto the fire escape and were having a deep discussion on which Jim Carrey movies are actually funny when we heard footsteps in the living room.

Let me cut to the chase: it was Epic Fail's mom. And no, he had not informed me that he lives with his parents. And she was asking if we could keep it down because we had woken up her and Epic Fail's father.

Need I even say Fail 3?

So as it stands right now, Epic Fail has just failed one too many times and will only be asked around when people need bad excuses after they find themselves making out with their exes in bars.

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