Old People Are Weird

First of all, before I go offending anyone, I want to say that all my 30-year old friends are awesome, and the blatantly rude comments I am about to make don't apply to everyone, except old farts.

I met Old Fart at a going away party at a bar. He was a friend of a friend and seemed cute enough, so I talked to him for a while. We had a typical conversation, where'd you go to school, where'd you grow up, what do you do for a living now, how old are you, and I distinctly remember him telling me he was 28. (Granted, I was drunk, but I swear this happened.)

He asked for my number, I gave it to him, and he texted me the next day to go out for drinks. It was then that he decided to disclose to me that he was in fact, not 28, but closer to 38, as in he'll be 38 in a few months. And asked me if "that was a problem," to which I responded, "No, of course not," as if there was a giant mothball in my throat.

Alright this is the part where I might get offensive, so earmuff it if you're sensitive. The first thought that went through my head was, "Ok, he's almost 38 years old, still single, never been married, and is out on a date with a girl who's more than a decade younger than him. What the hell is wrong with him?"

The rest of the conversation just highlighted my fears even more. He is extremely good on paper. He owns his amazing loft condo in Tribecca, with 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a hardwood floor, and its own washer/dryer, nothing to sneeze at. He works as a lawyer at a successful financial institution. He dresses well and has a six pack, which is remarkable.

So, I was left with the nagging curiosity of what was so wrong with this guy that no one had snatched him up yet.

Not really able to get over that, and because I had decided he was far too boring for my tastes anyway, I told him we should just be friends.

Fast forward a few weeks and I had a bunch of friends over to watch the season premiere of Lost (greatest show ever). Old Fart texted me that day to see if I wanted to come over to his place to watch Lost, which I found to be an odd invitation since we weren't dating anymore, but I told him my friends were coming over and he was welcome to join.

He showed up late, right out of work, and sat down across the room from me in one of the few chairs that was still open. The show was about to start, so the chit chat had dissolved to a minimum. About an hour into the premiere, Old Fart announced he was going to go home and watch the rest of the episode tomorrow. I walked him out to the front door and leaned in to give him a hug when he physically pushed me away and said, "You owe me an explanation young lady."

Young Lady? Are you kidding me? The last time someone called me young lady was in elementary school.

So I was all pissy that he "young lady"-ed me and that he was being such an ass. I called him the next day to ask him what his problem was and he told me that he couldn't believe I would blatantly flirt with another guy in front of him. I was extraordinarily confused, and asked what he meant. He proceeded to tell me he had been watching me and over the course of the evening, I had allowed one guy next to me to put his hand on my knee and then when I got up to get drinks, I had put my hand on his shoulder and L's shoulder.

Slightly baffled, I said, "So you are mad at me for being affectionate with my male friends?" And he said, "I don't think they're you're friends, I don't touch my female friends like that."

Even more baffled, I told him that maybe it's cause he's an old fart and he doesn't get it, but I am affectionate with my friends, male and female, and it means nothing. And on top of all that, him and I aren't dating, so he really has no say in anything I do.

His closing statement was, "Well I just thought it was incredibly rude and disrespectful of you to have me over to watch you all over some other guys. But I guess we'll agree to disagree."

And that, boys and girls, is why he is 38 years old and still single. The apartment is sweet though. Too bad it would be the only highlight of dating him...

Later when my friend C and I were discussing the whole situation, we agreed that perhaps male/female relationships have evolved a lot in the past 20 years, and the closeness I experience with some of my male friends, which is purely platonic, can seem odd to people of another generation.

I guess it all goes back to the "When Harry Met Sally" thesis that men and women can't really be friends because the sex thing always gets in the way. And I happen to vehemently disagree with that.