Sorry, I'm Not a Cougar

I've been having some strange run-ins with younger guys, which, to appreciate, you will need to have a few pieces of background information about me:

1) I look really young for my age. This is partly because I am an Asian female with great genetics (my parents both still look decades younger than they actually are). And yes, people tell me all the time that I should be happy about it and I'll be thankful for it in about ten years. But for now, I absolutely hate it. My parents regularly get asked when I'm going to graduate high school, to which they respond that I graduated high school over a decade ago and soon I will be teaching high school. Speaking of teaching, it's hard to gain your students' respect when you look young enough to be their peer. The other day I was talking to one of my middle school students and her mom, and the mother confessed ten minutes into the conversation that when she'd met me, she hadn't known if I was a student or a teacher. So basically, despite the fact that I am 28, I still get mistaken for a 14 year old. Not good.

2) Since I had no social life to speak of last semester, when my friend S sent me an experimental dating site for our school, I decided to try it out. The site was like Match.com, but specifically for university students, who you could filter by school, so hypothetically you could meet someone at your school. I only went out with one guy that I met from the site, Blah Boy, and as much as I hated him, that turned out to be one of the better experiences.

Finally, 3) I have no interest in dating younger guys. When I was growing up, I always dated guys my own age or older. In my early twenties, I had a long-term relationship with someone two years younger and it raised a bevy of issues. He wasn't mature enough for me; he was at a different point in his life than I was; his mom still called to ask him about his bowel movements (ok that one may have had nothing to do with his age and more to do with the fact that he was a douchebag and a mama's boy). However, since then, I have never dated another younger guy. I have friends who like younger guys and their naivete, but I have no tolerance for it whatsoever.

Ok, now that you have all that information, I can finally proceed with my story.

When I signed up for that college dating site, even though I specified in my profile that I was only interested in guys my own age or older, I started getting e-mails and instant messages from neophytes right away. Apparently, since I look young, they decided to ignore my age restrictions.

The first time, it was a 19 year old sophomore at Columbia University, who wrote me and we had the following conversation:

Idiot Sophomore: So do you want to grab a drink sometime?

Me: Can you even go to bars?

Idiot Sophomore: Yeah, of course.

Me: No, I mean legally.

Idiot Sophomore: Oh. No.

Me: Yeah that's what I thought. I think I'm a little too old for you. (This was my tactful way of telling him that he was far too young for me, hoping he would get the hint.)

Idiot Sophomore: Don't worry. I've had older.

Me: Um. Lovely.

Idiot Sophomore: Well then why don't we just skip the bar and go straight to my bed?

Me: Ha. That's cute. Really. Classy too. Sorry, I'm not remotely interested.

At that point, I blocked him.

A few weeks later, another 19 year old, this time one from NYU started messaging me.

Idiot Freshman: Hey, how's it going?

Me: Good. Look, sorry, I don't mean to be blunt, but you're way too young for me.

Idiot Freshman: What do you mean?

Me: Honestly, you're only slightly older than the kids that I teach and quite frankly, that grosses me out.

Idiot Freshman: Well, what I lack in age, I make up for in life experience and maturity.

Me: Yeah, no offense, but I probably thought the same thing when I was your age, a decade ago. And no amount of "life experience" at 19 would be enough for me to consider going out with you.

Idiot Freshman: Well what do you like to do for fun?

Me: Seriously, I don't know any other way to say this. I am not interested. This is a no go. To me, you are as datable as a baby in the womb.

After that, he got the message and I never heard from him again.

Maybe it's because I'm getting older. Maybe it's because I'm teaching now. Maybe it's because I have a younger sister and have never been able to reconcile dating someone her age. Whatever it is, I cannot wrap my mind around dating, or even hooking up with, someone even a few years younger than I am. I've been tempted, especially since my cousin who is five years my junior has some especially adorable friends. Literally every time I hang out with him one of his friends ends up hooking up with one of my friends, who later bemoan having hooked up with such young'uns.

The other night I went to a friend of a friend's house party and when I was there I met an incredibly attractive guy, who I was talking to for a little while before I found out that he was a senior in college who is interning in New York City for the summer. He had just turned 21. And despite the fact that he was really cute with very blue eyes and a sexy accent, the second I found out how young he was, I instantly lost my lady hard on. After that, I wasn't remotely interested in him any more, which was a real shame.

So yes, this is apparently what my future looks like. I will have to decide between staying home and knitting socks for my cats every night or I will just have to accept becoming a cougar and start accepting the advances of guys a decade younger.

Hot Child in the City

I think summer does something to people. As soon as the temperature starts to rise, everyone's animal instincts kick in and they collectively go wild like bears that have been trapped in a cave hibernating all winter.

Last summer, I remember around April when it was getting to be warm enough to go outside at night without needing a jacket, every time I went out on the weekends I would pass at least one drunk guy puking on the side of a building. In May people started staying out later and being rowdier. And in June my girlfriends started getting laid. It was definitely summer.

So one weekend last July my girlfriend in DC, L, asked if she could come to the city because she had just broken up with her boyfriend and needed to let loose, and I told her she was coming to the right place. We made an agreement that during the length of the weekend, she needed to make out with five guys.

I told her five guys would definitely be a stretch, but I was looking forward to seeing her make out with four hot guys and one weird one. The weird one would of course occur at 4AM on Saturday when no one was seeing clearly and the options were limited. I was pretty excited on behalf of this one weird guy because I'm pretty sure making out with a hot Asian girl would make his entire year.

Well after Friday night when the count was at zero, L decided to reevaluate the situation and changed the goal to make out with only one guy, if that. Which was a huge disappointment and as Saturday night wore on and no making out occurred, it started to look like it would be zero.

However, around 2AM when things started to get fuzzy, I looked over to see L totally engrossed in "conversation" with a guy at the bar. And by conversation, I mean they were blatantly making out and he was squeezing her ass and running his hands through her hair with gusto.

And of course, because that's what you do when one of your friends is putting on a ridiculous public display, I alerted everyone else to what was going on and we just sat there and watched them.

This was only partly out of morbid curiosity; of course we wanted to make sure she was ok. But it was implied that the second we left the bar, at its 4AM closing time, that the young man would go on his way and L would come home with me.

Instead, drunk L decided it would be a good idea to have him follow us around to get our late-night drunk pizza. And in our few-block trek to said late-night pizza place, we had to keep stopping to make sure she wasn't abducted, only to find her get thrown into a phone booth to make out. (I know, the hygenic concerns alone were disturbing.)

At 4:30, as everyone else started to make their way home and I was thoroughly exhausted, I finally went to tell L it was time to go home. And this is what ensued:

Me: Ok hon it's time to go home.

L: Now? Give me a little longer.

Me: No it's already 4:30 in the morning and everyone else has gone home. It's time to go.

L: Just a little longer!

Me: Nope, now.

L: Well, can he come?

Me: Absolutely not.

L: A little longer. I promise that I won't go back to his place.

Me: So you're just going to stand here on a sketchy street corner by the Queens Expressway? I think not.

L: Well then can I get his phone number?

Me: Are you kidding me? You don't live here!

L: So?

Me: So you're never going to see or speak to him again!

All the while this conversation was happening, I kept trying to walk L away from the dude down the street but she kept turning around and motioning for him to follow. This was obviously infuriating. At this point I had my guy friend M hail a cab, get in it, and leave the door open.

Me: (in my best annoyed mom voice) That's enough L. It's time to go home. Get in the cab.

L: Really?

Me: Really, I'm starting to get pissed at you now. Get in the fucking cab.

(To the guy): It was nice meeting you but we're going home now. Good night.

L: Don't be mad.

Me: I won't be mad if you get in the cab.

L: I just want to hang out a little longer.

Me: Well that's great but you have no idea where you are and it's almost 5AM and you're my responsibility tonight so you're getting in the cab.

At this point, I forcibly shoved her into the cab and climbed in on the other side of her so that she couldn't escape.

The dude finally gave up trying to follow us and convince me that it was safe to leave L with him for the night, gave me the dirtiest look I have ever seen (seriously, if looks could kill, I would've dropped dead right there), and then stomped off in a huff. Clearly I ruined his night.

L: I wasn't going to sleep with him!

Me: That's fantastic that you think that, but that's definitely not what he was thinking so I wasn't going to let you go home with him.

L: But I wouldn't have gone home with him!

Me: Fine, wander the streets in the middle of the night with a stranger, that's even worse.

L: But he liked me and he wanted ass.

Me: Of course he wanted ass, he's a dude, and that is irrelevant. You are dumb.

L: But he was so hot!

Me: No he wasn't, he was pseudo attractive in the bar but the second we left you could see his acne. And he was sketchy.

M agreed with my assessment by nodding.

L: Really? I thought he was hot.

Me: That's because you're drunk. Now be quiet.

Yes, I know I come off like a bitch but really I was just looking out for her best interests and protecting her. And if I learned one thing from this experience, it's that someday I am going to be an awesome mom. Hopefully the situations will be more like, "No you're not getting a toy today for your behavior now get in the car and I will deal with you when we get home" instead of, "No you don't get to stay out all night with a sketchy guy from the bar now get in the cab and I will deal with you when we get home."

Either way, you don't want me to get all Mama Bear on your ass. So behave yourself.

Dating's So Blah

You'd think with the lack of dating and available men in my life, my standards would be lower. It turns out that the opposite has happened: now I have such little tolerance for another person that the smallest things annoy me and I start internally raging the second someone says something remotely irksome.

My first date with Blah Boy was ok. It wasn't great, but it also wasn't the worst date in the world, which is saying a lot since it was a blind date. Granted, I had low expectations going in, but the conversation flowed easily and he wasn't a total troll. I figured out about halfway through that there wasn't a spark and I wasn't really attracted to him, but also know from experience that sometimes that takes time, so I was willing to go out with him again, but was already plotting how to maneuver out of an end-of-date kiss. Luckily for me, it was pouring rain, practically typhooning that night, and when he put me in a cab, he was unable to maneuver a kiss while trying to keep his umbrella from flying away.

Within two minutes of getting in the cab, I got a text that said, "I had such a great time and hope you did too. Let's do it again really soon :)"

I. Hate. This. I was already trying to evaluate if I was even into him and if I wanted to see him again and right away he put it out there. The text translated into, "I am so into you even though you might not be into me. Please please please please see me again."

I sent him a vague noncommittal text the following day to which he responded, "I'm going away next week for spring break, so can I take you to dinner on Sunday before I leave?"

Me: I have a friend coming into town this weekend, so on Sunday I have a pile of papers to grade.

Blah Boy: But you have to eat, don't you? Just take a break with me :)

First of all, seriously, what is up with all the emoticons? Is there anything more emasculating that one can do in a text? Second of all, I said I had work to do. Asking me again isn't going to make me any more inclined to go out with you. In fact, it's pissing me off, which makes me never want to see you again.

Me: I really can't. I have that much work to do.

Blah Boy: Ok, how about when I'm back from spring break? Are you free a week from Saturday?

Me: I'm not sure. Let's play it by ear.

The odds weren't looking good for him.

However, when I relayed this to all my friends, they said that he was just being eager and since I had nothing else going on in my life, what did I really have to lose.

So that's how I found myself on a second date with him two weeks later, which is great, because it gave me the opportunity to truly and actively abhor him.

Let me say here that there was nothing really wrong with Blah Boy and all that is about to happen was not malicious in any way. He was not a douchebag, not an asshole (I know, rare for me); he seemed like a genuinely nice guy. Unfortunately, he was also kind of a rube from upstate New York, who grew up pretty sheltered, is a few years younger than me, and just didn't seem to have much experience with life/girls/normal people in general. So here are some of the highlights of the night:

Blah Boy: So how are things going at school?

Me: Good! I have a ton of work to do, but I really do love it. I even missed the kids during spring break.

Blah Boy: (laughs) That's so nerdy!

Me: Ummmm ok...

Blah Boy: Sorry I was late. I'm so tired because I was out til 4AM last night.

Me: Seriously? What were you doing?

Blah Boy: Went out for happy hour with some people from school and we just got a little crazy.

Me: Wow. I went out to happy hour with school friends too, but I was home by 9 and in bed by 11.

Blah Boy: Really? That's so lame.

Me: (getting defensive) Um, we are all teachers who have to be at school by 8, teach all day, and then have class at night. It's really exhausting.

Blah Boy: Yeah ok.

Me: Soooo...do you live alone or do you have roommates?

Blah Boy: I have two roommates. I could never live alone.

Me: Really? I love it.

Blah Boy: No, I'm the kind of person that always needs to be around other people, so I need people to be there to talk to when I come home.

Me: O...K....yeah I really like being alone.

Blah Boy: Really? That's so weird.

Me: I don't think so. I like my independence. As I've gotten older, I've craved more and more alone time.

Blah Boy: Huh.

Me: Yeah I haven't had a roommate since college. I had a bad experience and have lived alone since.

Blah Boy: Really, what happened?

Me: I moved in with a good friend of mine and we just did not get alone and by the end of the year, we actively disliked each other and haven't spoken since. It ruined our friendship, so now I'm much more cautious about that. I think when you live together, little quirks get on your nerves that don't bother you as much when you're just friends.

Blah Boy: Seriously? That is the weirdest thing I've ever heard.

Me: How so?

Blah Boy: I have never heard of two girls getting into a fight that led them to not be friends anymore.

Me: Are you kidding me? Do you know girls?

Blah Boy: Yeah...the girls I know don't do that.

So at this point, not only did I want to claw his eyes out, I was starting to think that I was the crazy one. Later, when I recapped the conversation with all of my girlfriends and my sister E (who, if anyone, would be the one to never get into a fight with a girl that would end their friendship) and unanimously they all agreed that he has never interacted with females. Otherwise, he would know that girls quite often get into fights that lead to the end of friendships.

After this date, I was not at all inclined to ever see Blah Boy again. During the course of one dinner, he managed to make me feel stupid for liking my job, being tired after teaching all day, and getting into fights with a roommate a decade ago. On top of all of this, I found him to be pretty boring and one-dimensional.

Somehow, despite the awkwardness of this date, he thought it had gone pretty well. The next day, he texted me to tell me what a great time he'd had and how he couldn't wait to see me again and added me as a friend on Facebook. When he received no responses from either of these venues, he texted again to ask me what my plan for the week was. I also ignored this text.

After that, he got the point, and I haven't heard from Blah Boy since.

And that has been the extent of my dating experiences in the past six months. Thank God it's summer.

Finally, the Livin is Easy

So I realize I've been on an extended blogging hiatus, but I severely underestimated how much my life was going to change once I started school. My first semester, my entire life was dominated by classes and papers. This past semester, I was not only taking classes, but student teaching at a middle school as well. So my schedule looked something like this: during the week I taught all day then went to class at night and on weekends I wrote papers and lesson plans and graded papers.

As a result of this crazy schedule and constant exhaustion, not to mention the fact that any time I did have interactions with normal adults all I could talk about was my students, I did not have much of a social life this past year. In fact, this past semester, I can count on one hand the amount of times I went out with my friends.

Although this probably sounds severely depressing and you're probably feeling bad for me, I have to say that it wasn't as terrible as it sounds. There were a few nights when I had mini-meltdowns, thinking that I would never finish grading all the papers I had to do and I was never going to see my friends again, but for the most part it was the most fulfilling few months of my adult life.

Anyways, since I was too busy to even think of writing and I had no material to write about to begin with, the blog took a backseat. But now that it's summer time and I am on vacation for three months, I'm hoping that I will actually have a life now and enough blogworthy experiences to make up for the dearth of a social life this past year.

My (limited) dating experiences for the past six months are gonna have to wait until next week, though, so make sure you tune in.