Monday, June 13, 2011

Hot Child in the City - The summer heat has made me exhausted from trying to dress as slutty as everyone else

I think summer does something to people. As soon as the temperature starts to rise, everyone's animal instincts kick in and they collectively go wild like bears that have been trapped in a cave hibernating all winter.

Last summer, I remember around April when it was getting to be warm enough to go outside at night without needing a jacket, every time I went out on the weekends I would pass at least one drunk guy puking on the side of a building. In May people started staying out later and being rowdier. And in June my girlfriends started getting laid. It was definitely summer.

So one weekend last July my girlfriend in DC, L, asked if she could come to the city because she had just broken up with her boyfriend and needed to let loose, and I told her she was coming to the right place. We made an agreement that during the length of the weekend, she needed to make out with five guys.

I told her five guys would definitely be a stretch, but I was looking forward to seeing her make out with four hot guys and one weird one. The weird one would of course occur at 4AM on Saturday when no one was seeing clearly and the options were limited. I was pretty excited on behalf of this one weird guy because I'm pretty sure making out with a hot Asian girl would make his entire year.

Well after Friday night when the count was at zero, L decided to reevaluate the situation and changed the goal to make out with only one guy, if that. Which was a huge disappointment and as Saturday night wore on and no making out occurred, it started to look like it would be zero.

However, around 2AM when things started to get fuzzy, I looked over to see L totally engrossed in "conversation" with a guy at the bar. And by conversation, I mean they were blatantly making out and he was squeezing her ass and running his hands through her hair with gusto.

And of course, because that's what you do when one of your friends is putting on a ridiculous public display, I alerted everyone else to what was going on and we just sat there and watched them.

This was only partly out of morbid curiosity; of course we wanted to make sure she was ok. But it was implied that the second we left the bar, at its 4AM closing time, that the young man would go on his way and L would come home with me.

Instead, drunk L decided it would be a good idea to have him follow us around to get our late-night drunk pizza. And in our few-block trek to said late-night pizza place, we had to keep stopping to make sure she wasn't abducted, only to find her get thrown into a phone booth to make out. (I know, the hygenic concerns alone were disturbing.)

At 4:30, as everyone else started to make their way home and I was thoroughly exhausted, I finally went to tell L it was time to go home. And this is what ensued:

Me: Ok hon it's time to go home.

L: Now? Give me a little longer.

Me: No it's already 4:30 in the morning and everyone else has gone home. It's time to go.

L: Just a little longer!

Me: Nope, now.

L: Well, can he come?

Me: Absolutely not.

L: A little longer. I promise that I won't go back to his place.

Me: So you're just going to stand here on a sketchy street corner by the Queens Expressway? I think not.

L: Well then can I get his phone number?

Me: Are you kidding me? You don't live here!

L: So?

Me: So you're never going to see or speak to him again!

All the while this conversation was happening, I kept trying to walk L away from the dude down the street but she kept turning around and motioning for him to follow. This was obviously infuriating. At this point I had my guy friend M hail a cab, get in it, and leave the door open.

Me: (in my best annoyed mom voice) That's enough L. It's time to go home. Get in the cab.

L: Really?

Me: Really, I'm starting to get pissed at you now. Get in the fucking cab.

(To the guy): It was nice meeting you but we're going home now. Good night.

L: Don't be mad.

Me: I won't be mad if you get in the cab.

L: I just want to hang out a little longer.

Me: Well that's great but you have no idea where you are and it's almost 5AM and you're my responsibility tonight so you're getting in the cab.

At this point, I forcibly shoved her into the cab and climbed in on the other side of her so that she couldn't escape.

The dude finally gave up trying to follow us and convince me that it was safe to leave L with him for the night, gave me the dirtiest look I have ever seen (seriously, if looks could kill, I would've dropped dead right there), and then stomped off in a huff. Clearly I ruined his night.

L: I wasn't going to sleep with him!

Me: That's fantastic that you think that, but that's definitely not what he was thinking so I wasn't going to let you go home with him.

L: But I wouldn't have gone home with him!

Me: Fine, wander the streets in the middle of the night with a stranger, that's even worse.

L: But he liked me and he wanted ass.

Me: Of course he wanted ass, he's a dude, and that is irrelevant. You are dumb.

L: But he was so hot!

Me: No he wasn't, he was pseudo attractive in the bar but the second we left you could see his acne. And he was sketchy.

M agreed with my assessment by nodding.

L: Really? I thought he was hot.

Me: That's because you're drunk. Now be quiet.

Yes, I know I come off like a bitch but really I was just looking out for her best interests and protecting her. And if I learned one thing from this experience, it's that someday I am going to be an awesome mom. Hopefully the situations will be more like, "No you're not getting a toy today for your behavior now get in the car and I will deal with you when we get home" instead of, "No you don't get to stay out all night with a sketchy guy from the bar now get in the cab and I will deal with you when we get home."

Either way, you don't want me to get all Mama Bear on your ass. So behave yourself.

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