Things I Learned Last Weekend

1) Beergaritas = evil in a cup.

Starting an evening by skipping dinner and drinking beergaritas always leads to poor life decisions and wanting to die the next day when you're puking over the toilet.

2) Don't take on New Jersey. It will always win.

3) Friends don't let friends get unknowingly eye-raped.

When recapping the night that was slightly hazy in my mind, my friend T told me, "Oh by the way, the creepy guy at the bar was hardcore eye-raping you last night. It was kind of disgusting. Literally every time you turned away he was staring at you and f-ing you with his eyes. I wanted to say something, but I thought it would be awkward."

I hadn't realized this was going on, but knew exactly which creepy guy he was talking about. I had talked to him briefly while I was ordering a drink at the bar, which apparently he took as an invitation to ogle me for the rest of the night.

"You should've said something!" I told T.

"What was I supposed to say? Um, could you please stop blatantly staring at my friend's boobs because it's making me uncomfortable? I would appreciate if you could stop raping her with your eyes? Thanks."

I told him that if it ever happens again, he not only has permission but an obligation to say something. Because that's what friends are for.

4) Really really hot bartenders are never good news.

My girlfriends and I have been obsessed with this very attractive bartender at this bar downtown since we first saw him about a month ago. He is everything a man should be: tall and built with dark, smoldering eyes. He's basically the greatest thing to happen to women since Tom Brady.

Every time he's been working, though, the bar has been insanely busy so we never really got a chance to know slash flirt with him, and had just decided he was too hot to be real.

However, S and I happened to catch him during a lull this past weekend and when I ordered two shots for us, he looked at me with those totally sexy eyes and said, "No, no there's no way I could possibly let you girls take shots by yourself," and poured himself one.

I was obviously giddy with excitement just taking shots with him, so I was really over the moon when he said to me, "This must be your first time here, because I'd remember that pretty smile." Just for that, I decided to forgive the fact that I totally had been there before and he clearly had not remembered me.

At some point, I announced that I wanted to pour my own shots, at which point he told me to hop over the bar, so I literally climbed over a bar stool, slid my ass over the top of the bar, and hopped down to the other side. It obviously never occurred to me to just use the door. That's right, I keep it classy.

I poured a few beers for customers, made a few tips despite my obvious inability to properly tend bar, and then picked out the most expensive tequila in the house to pour shots for myself.

In the midst of my "bartending," the hot bartender pulled me into the back room to kiss a little before S yelled at me to get back out to the bar where she could see me. She was totally justified since there were three Mexican dudes cleaning up in the kitchen and blatantly leering at us while we made out. Once again, I keep it classy.

After that, I hopped back to the other side of the bar, but continued to flirt with the hot bartender, so much so that he announced to the bar that he was "in love with me," and asked me to stick around until he closed out. Having nothing better to do at 4AM, S and I did continue drinking until he was finished working, only to watch him leave with a girl in a far sluttier outfit.

S consoled me by telling me he probably has STDs that haven't even been discovered yet, which is probably true. Nevertheless, it was quite the burn.

5) BUT making out with them saves you a fortune on alcohol.

After the multitudes of shots, including the top shelf tequila I had helped myself to, my tab at the end of the night was $18, which may be the least amount of money I have ever spent on alcohol on a night out. (Depressing or awesome? You decide.)

So apparently making out with the bartender is an automatic drinking discount. It's just like bringing coupons to the grocery store!

6) Phones should have built-in breathalyzers.

I'm not quite sure what my train of thought was when I got home that night at 5AM, but apparently I thought it was a good time to catch up with my friends because I called my guy friend R just to chat and called T to leave him a 10-minute message of me just saying his name since I didn't realize that his voice mail was not actually him on the other end of the phone.

Luckily, I didn't come close to making potentially embarrassing and later-to-be-regretted booty calls, which is the primary reason the built-in phone breathalyzer should exist.

7) Tequila is evil.

Perhaps redundant, but I felt it needed to be said again.

8) So many wrongs could only make a right.

All of these lessons crammed into one night made it highly entertaining and so memorable that I wouldn't change any of it even if I could. Except for the puking the next morning part. That I could do without. But otherwise, totally the same.