Monday, October 12, 2009

Holy Inappropriateness Batman

My first question is regarding penis size

So just when I think I've reached new lows of what is considered normally acceptable social behavior, I find an entirely new way to prove that I should not be allowed out of my home and permitted to interact with the rest of humankind.

As I blogged about a little while ago, I started a new policy of slapping guys in the balls when they say something that I feel warrants such behavior. Whenever someone offends me and crosses the line, I retaliate by waiting until his defenses are down and hitting him in the balls with my palm.

This is my act of making the world a better place, two sore balls at a time. I mean not only am I teaching assholes not to be jerks to girls, I am also possibly sterilizing the douchebags who should not be allowed to procreate in the first place. If you think about it this way, I really deserve a Nobel Prize for my efforts.

So far the only tangible effect it's had is that I have developed a reputation around my friends and acquaintances. When guys are around me that have witnessed my ball-slapping behavior in the past, they not-too-subtly try to cover their genitals when speaking to me and/or tell me they donned a cup in preparation for seeing me.

My girlfriends find it more amusing and when a guy says something borderline inappropriate to me, they warn him, "You might want to watch what you say with S. She may look sweet and harmless, but she's feisty. She'll hit you right where it hurts."

It's ALMOST like being a superhero, where my arch nemeses are douchebags and I take them down by using my magical gnads-injuring superstrength.

The other entirely unanticipated side-effect it's managed to have is that I apparently have diminished inhibitions about touching guys' crotches in public.

Last weekend I was out with my girlfriends when we met these random dudes in a bar. I was chatting with Dude One when his pal, Dude Two, came up to us and said, "Dude, are you going to close the deal with this girl or what? She's hot!"

Dude One: "Yeah, she is!"

Dude Two: "She's wearing knee-high socks. I really dig that."

At this point, I interjected and said, "You know, guys, I am right here so I can hear and understand everything you are saying."

Dude Two: "Well I really like your knee-high socks. They turn me on."

Me: "Really, like they actually turn you on?"

Dude Two: "Yeah, they're getting me hot."

I am going to blame my subsequent actions on the night's alcohol consumption. And my lack of inhibitions after multiple public ball-slappings.

I leaned over, placed my hand on Dude Two's crotch, felt him up, and said, "Yup you've totally got a chubby going on. They really do turn you on."

There was a moment of stunned silence before Dude Two looked at me with wonder in his eyes, threw his arm around me and yelled, "Did you just touch my penis? I LOVE THIS GIRL!!!"

Since I'm mostly used to guys calling me a bitch after I attack them, this was a pleasant and new turn of events.

(Even more surprising, he wasn't the only man to declare his undying love for me that night, either. Later the hot bartender, yes the same one who I made out with in the back room of the bar in front of the Mexican barkeeps, asked me to go home with him and when I politely declined, grabbed my hand, put his right hand on his chest and said, "S, you have a special place in my heart.")

Needless to say, the Dudes were subsequently pretty big fans of me. Like if I had a group page on Facebook, they would become fans without a moment's hesitation. Dude Two even gave me his business card in case I ever have the urge to molest him in public again. (I wouldn't hold my breath Dude Two...)

My friends have come to a group consensus that I need to be muzzled in the future, and I really can't argue with them. Honestly, at this point, I'm pretty sure I'm a public nuisance. Someone should give my picture to bouncers at bars with a warning not to let me inside. Which would benefit both myself and my slews of would-be victims.

No need to worry about me switching up my MO, though. I doubt I will be caressing anyone else's crotch in the near future and sooner rather than later some idiot is going to piss me off and find himself on the opposite end of a ball-slap. I almost can't wait for that day...

Stay tuned...

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