Thursday, October 15, 2009

I Hate: Therefore I Sex

I try not to date people I'm sleeping with

To cope with multiple years of being single in New York City, a while ago I came up with a brilliant policy that some people find anti-intuitive and baffling: I don't sleep with guys I actually like. I only sleep with those that I am thoroughly uninterested in dating.

What? Huh? Does she have that backwards?

Nope, absolutely not. A guy is more likely to get into my pants if I hate his guts than if I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

The reason is pretty simple. I don't want to let myself get attached to someone by sleeping with him. Therefore I only sleep with the guys with whom there is no remote possibility of affection.

Biologically, women more so than men associate emotions with sex due to a hormone called oxytocin that is simultaneously produced as a result of sexual stimulus AND causes feelings of intimacy. Therefore, as much as most single girls would like to deny it, it's much more likely for sex to mean something to us than to the average single guy.

I guess this explains why really good sex can be a drug, just as potent and addictive as any other mind-altering substance. I mean this is all well and good for women in longterm committed relationships, but where does that leave the rest of us?!

So for years, after being brainwashed that this was what I was supposed to do, I would only sleep with guys I had actual feelings for. Such a rookie mistake. Seriously...

And after one too many situations where I slept with a guy I really liked (you know, imagining what our babies would look like and counting the hours until I heard from him again, which I obviously now blame on that damn oxytocin) and then he stopped calling or disappeared off the face of the earth, I'd had enough.

It was at this point that I figured out if you just have sex with someone you don't even like to begin with, the chances of actually getting attached are slim and then you don't have anything to worry about when it inevitably ends and/or when you find out that he's a total skeezeball who's already sleeping with half of Manhattan. Just a hypothetical example...

Once you think about it this way, my policy actually makes a great deal of logical sense and works out better in the long run if you want to avoid messy tears and hysterical breakdowns and emergency 3AM phone calls to your girlfriends bitching about what an asshole he is and how all men suck.

So how does this work in real life situations, you're wondering?

Well when I am dating a guy, at some point I assess whether I like him and have any desire to date him in the future and if the answer is a resound NO ABSOLUTELY NOT, then I just take my pants off right then and there.

For example, when I was on my second or third date with Dry Cleaner Guy, I had the following internal dialogue:

Wow, he's such an idiot. And totally arrogant. And has a totally unrespectable job. Is he really serious right now bragging about how he has the most Xerox sales on the east coast? He cannot be telling me this for real. Am I on Punk'd? Where is Ashton? Nope, looks like this is for real...

AND on top of all this, he is younger than me and lives with his parents in Long Island. I pretty much abhor absolutely everything about him with the exception of his blue eyes and biceps. I have no desire to go out with him again and I definitely don't want to date him because that would involve, I don't know, actually spending more time pretending to listen to him and one of us wouldn't live through that. In fact, I'd be perfectly happy if I never had to be in his presence again for the rest of my life.

Ok I guess in that case I might as well sleep with him.
Hey, want to go back to my apartment?

And because of that, I was in no way disappointed when his brother confirmed my suspicions that he was completely not worth my time. Which made it all the easier to delete his phone number and forget that he ever existed.

No crying. No regrets. No feeling stupid or ashamed about myself. No emotional baggage. In many ways, it was the perfect encounter. I got some free dinners and booze AND a funny anecdote about picking up a dude at my dry cleaner's out of it. If only all of my relationships were that productive!

On the flip side, on the very, very rare occasion that I go out on a date with someone who isn't a gigantic bandanna-sporting idiot, my logic is as follows:

Hmmm, I might actually want to go on another date with this guy and/or use him for one of the following: free food, free drinks, cute friends, good credit. Therefore, I should probably just yawn, make up some bullshit about an early day tomorrow, and bail. Sorry guy, looks like you just spent $100 on me tonight for a romantic night with your left hand. Good luck with that one.

I am aware that there is one glaring rational inconsistency in this otherwise logical behavior, which is that the douchebags get rewarded for being totally undatable jerks with sex and the ones who might actually just be nice guys walk away with nothing (if you don't count blue balls and the pleasure of my basically, nothing). It does seem like quite an unfair situation the way I've set it up.

All I can say to that is: tough.

I mean if I were to meet someone who I thought I might have a future with, and has already proven himself worthy of seeing me on a regular basis, I'd probably eventually let him into my pants. But really, how often does that happen? Especially given my track record of losers. That's right, it's even rarer than a blue moon.

I've been advocating this policy to my friends, so far with varying success rates of implementation. Of course my guy friends have joked that they should help out the guys I meet by giving them anonymous tips to act like huge jackasses if they want a guaranteed way to get in with me.

True fact. So if you know a semi-attractive guy who has an absolutely repulsive personality and/or no prospects whatsoever, please do us both a favor and send him my way!


Allison said...

I recommend my policy. Find ones who are from another city or country. That way, you have them for one/two/three nights or at least a finite amount of time to bang and enjoy and then they GO AWAY. Brilliant - until they tell you they want to marry you and live together on a beach. Solution - fake being asleep. :)

Stinger said...

Uhhh and tell you that they want you to take their feelings seriously and you're going to have babies together....

But I think you are right: faking being asleep really solves most of life's problems.