Monday, April 13, 2009


So, cutting to the chase, I agreed to get one drink with Dry Cleaner Guy since he wouldn't let up on me and I figured if I had one beer with him, it would get him off my back for a while.

I went to meet him at a bar where he was with some friends and his brother, who I had never met before. About five minutes after I arrived at the bar, Dry Cleaner Guys disappeared to "have a talk" with someone and left me alone with his brother and their pals. Sketch much?

It ended up working out fine because it turned out that his brother and I had the same sarcastic sense of humor, and hit it off immediately (in a completely platonic way - sorry, this is NOT a story where I end up hooking up with the brother, I am not THAT girl).

Dry Cleaner Guy returned and asked me how my trip had gone. I momentarily blanked on the imaginary trip I had just taken and had to remember where I had just supposedly gone. I then proceeded to make up details about said imaginary trip that I had just gone on.

After about an hour, Dry Cleaner Guy announced that he was taking off to meet some friends for an open bar and invited me to tag along, but I declined, since I had no desire to spend the rest of the night with him. Plus, it was getting hard to keep track of all the lies I was telling about my fake emergency trip out of town.

So, all by my lonesome, I was about to leave, when his brother pulled me aside to have a chit chat.

"Look, S, I really like you, so I just wanted to warn you against my brother. He's a good kid, but he's kind of immature and I don't know you that well but I wanted to tell you that you are not on the list of girls he would want a relationship with."

I was slightly astounded by this confession, more so considering I would rather die a long, painful death than get into a relationship with Dry Cleaner Guy, but there was obviously no reason his brother would know this.

Me: How many girls are there on that list exactly?

Dry Cleaner Guy's Brother: Well, he slept with a girl he really likes a few nights ago, and there was another one last week...he sleeps around quite a bit. His crowning achievement was the time he slept with 30 girls in 40 days.

Me: Omigod, so he's a total manwhore.

Dry Cleaner Guy's Brother: Kind of...but really he does like you. He thinks you're really smart, which is why he doesn't want to date you.

Me: Excuse me?

Dry Cleaner Guy's Brother: He's really arrogant, so he doesn't want to date anyone who is superior to him in any way, and he knows that you're smarter than him, so he doesn't want to date you.

Me: That is, by far, the dumbest thing I have ever heard. Which shouldn't be surprising because your brother is an absolute moron.

Dry Cleaner Guy's Brother: (laughs) He's just young and immature.

Me: So here's my question. If he's not interested in dating me and he is already sleeping with a plethora of girls, then why is he putting all this effort into calling me and trying to make plans with me?

Dry Cleaner Guy's Brother: Well, he thinks he's a player, so he wants another girl in the mix.

Me: So basically he wants me to be another notch in his bedpost.

Dry Cleaner Guy's Brother: Pretty much.

Me: But I've been trying to blow him off.

Dry Cleaner Guy's Brother: Oh yeah he knows that. That's why he keeps calling you, he can't let YOU to be the one to blow him off. He NEEDS to be the one that rejects you.

Me: That is so ridiculously dumb and petty.

Dry Cleaner Guy's Brother: I told you, he's completely egotistical.

Now, even though I had just met this guy, I trusted that he wouldn't be spilling any of the shit I had been talking to his brother, since he was by far doing worse.

Which is quite frankly worrisome, because I am fiercely loyal and protective of my little sister, and if anyone said anything about her, I would not hesitate to punch him or her in the face. So the fact that he was so willing to lambaste his brother to me meant that either they aren't close (which they seem to be), or that his brother is actually a terrible person.

And it seems that the latter is the truth. Ok, calling him a terrible person is kind of extreme, but he is definitely a giant douchebag who is under the impression that he is some kind of awesome player.

The fact that he has been pursuing me purely to add me to his list of conquests offends me both personally and as a woman. It's male behavior that I've never particularly understood and that I simply cannot abide by.

Yes, there are some men out there that I would LOVE to sleep with and would brag about until the end of my days, but they consist of people I will never realistically come across in real life, like George Clooney and Brad Pitt.

As far as he knows, I might actually like him and be busy, you know, taking last minute emergency trips and whatnot. Which means he is putting on a facade of being interested in me just to get me into bed, and is willing to hurt me emotionally to do so.

And why? Oh yes, because I'm SMARTER than him. What a dumb reason not to date someone, because they're too smart for you. And seriously, I think most second graders are smarter than him, so I'm not exactly sure what kind of girl he would deem to be appropriate girlfriend material.

Now that I think about it, the whole thing is kind of psychopathic. And the guy definitely deserves some sort of award for douchebaggery.

I was unsuccessful up until this point, but I am absolutely done with Dry Cleaner Guy now, and for the first time, I hope he does call, just so I can calmly tell him that he is a completely scumbag and such a waste of my time it's laughable, so will he please delete my number and never call me again.

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