Monday, April 6, 2009

Border Control

So last night, girlfriend R and I went out to a bar to watch the NCAA game, and by watch the NCAA game, I obviously mean we were there to scope out the guys while they were watching the game.

Like lions in the bush, we spotted a defenseless herd of males in the corner, and slowly made our approach. When one of them "accidentally" bumped into me and apologized, we all started chatting and it was game on.

True to my declaration to start grilling guys on my short list of requirements, I made small talk for a little bit and then turned to the one that R thought was hot and said, "So where do you live?"

Guy: Long Island

Me: Wait, Long Island? Do you live with your parents?

Guy: Yes, I do. Is that a problem?

Me: Yes. Do you have a job?

Guy: That's kind of a personal question. You're very direct aren't you?

Me: Just answer the question.

Guy: Yes, I do have a job...

Me: But you're in your twenties and you still live with your parents in Long Island?

Guy: Yes.

Me: I see.

At this point, R and I made eyes at each other to signal that this guy was obviously completely lame.

Then R returned the favor and asked the guy's friend (the one I found attractive) if he also lived at home with is parents. He replied that he does not and he lives in NJ.

I was relieved until I started digging deeper. He lives in central Jersey, but works in the city, which is odd, because most people who commute to the city and live in NJ live in Hoboken or Jersey City, not an hour and a half away in the middle of NJ.

Me: So why choose to live there, instead of Hoboken?

Other Guy: I grew up around there.

Me: Do you live right by your parents? Are they like ten minutes away? Do you see them all the time?

Other Guy: Er, I see them often.

Me: Like how often?

Other Guy: Ok, ok, I didn't want to say anything because you were making fun of my friend, but I live at home with my parents.


Other Guy: I didn't lie...I just knew that you wouldn't talk to me if I told you that I live with my parents...

Me: Which, uh, means that you said something that was the opposite of the truth, which in my world constitutes a lie.

Other Guy: Fine, I lied.

At this point, I am seriously considering celibacy. Or sterilization. Or lesbianism. I haven't decided, but I need to break out of this pattern of finding these guys who live at home with their parents. It's like a moth to a flame where I'm the flame and the moth eats spaghetti that his mom made every night before watching Deal or no Deal and going to sleep in the room he grew up in.

So, even border control was a complete failure because shockingly, guys LIE.

Plus, they think it's kind of weird and creepy when you start grilling them right off the bat about their job and living situations. And I didn't even get to my question about sexual malfunction!

All in all, it seems to be a lose-lose situation. Back to the drawing board...

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