So Awkward

The alternative title to this post was: Things Not To Say To a Girl You Are Trying To Impress. I thought that ran a little long, so this will have to do, but trust me the other title was certainly apropos.

I have this very cute single male friend P who for some reason has trouble getting girls. He's attractive, nice, gainfully employed, doesn't live with his parents, and is really very sweet. So really I had no idea why girls are allergic to him until last night when I decided to introduce him to my best gal pal R over a few pitchers of Sangria.

They seemed to be getting along, and I noticed some positive body language (turning towards each other, hand on the knee, holding hands) so I decided to leave them alone and do their thing.

At the end of the night they exchanged numbers and he insisted on walking her out to a cab, which meant they did a little kissing on the street. I was excited that they seemed to have hit it off and all was going well.

P confirmed this, by telling me that he really liked R and that he's going to call her next week to ask her out on a date. He asked me for advice on how long he should wait to call and where I thought she'd like to go out with him.

At this point, I was practically patting myself on the back for being two for two in setting my friends up.

That is, until R called to update me today.

Apparently the reason P has trouble with the ladies is he is majorly socially awkward. At some point she told him she was alternating between hot and cold in the bar and he said to her, "Why, do you have menopause? I lived at home with my mom when she had menopause, and I wouldn't recommend it. She had crazy mood swings and it was very difficult."

She was speechless, obviously.

It gets better.

After he put her in a cab, he literally texted her within the next five minutes and they proceeded to have the following conversation via text:

P: Hey, it was so great to meet you!

P: I had fun tonight. We have to do it again. Get home safe.

R: Yeah it was! Actually, I'm going to meet my roommate at a bar.

P: Oh, ok. Have fun!

Half an hour later:

P: Home or at the bar?

R: I just got home.

P: I'm home now too.

P: Lying in bed, but would rather be hanging out with you.

R: Why?

P: Because we were having fun and the kiss was nice.

P: Didn't you think so?

No response from R on this one...

P: Haha, have a good night. I'll speak to you soon.

P: We'll hang out when I get back to NY, but don't worry, I won't take you to that sushi place you hate.

Now, I think P is a great guy, but this definitely explains why he may be struggling in the female department. I thought most people knew that you don't really discuss menopause or text incessantly after meeting someone, but clearly P never got those important life lessons.

My new plan is to give him a list of things not to say or do to a girl that he can keep in his wallet and refer to whenever he speaks to someone of the opposite sex.

Because really, even after hearing the story and writing about it, I am still laughing over his text messages. He obviously means well, but has utterly no idea what he's doing.

Speechless, utterly speechles.