No Way!

I've definitely come into acquaintance with more than my fair share of undatable guys, but I'm pretty sure none of them topped the list, or was as blatantly clueless as Epic Fail.

So imagine my surprise when my Facebook informed me the other day that he is now in a relationship!

I then went through Kubler-Ross Five Stages of Grief, as anyone would when faced with such devastating news.

Denial: My immediate reaction was obviously disbelief. I was convinced that he had created a Facebook profile (what kind of crazy person does that?) so he could have an imaginary Facebook girlfriend. It wasn't until I saw actual pictures of this girl tagged in his photos that I believed she exists in the real world.

Anger: After confirming that the supposed girlfriend has a human form, I contemplated what the hell is wrong with this girl. She looked normal enough in the photos, but what kind of desperation lingers under the surface? I mean what kind of idiotic, desperate girl would voluntarily agree to a relationship with him? Does she have a death wish? Does she WANT to be made into a life-size body pillow?

Bargaining: I wanted to find out as much as I physically could about this girl, but there weren't many ways for me to do that outside of calling Epic Fail and asking him, or grilling his friends.

Which, of course, reminded me that the last time I saw his friends, I made out with Dirty Irish in the middle of a bar. And as tempting as it would be to call up Dirty Irish and ask if he knew anything about this girl, I was pretty sure that the last thing I needed was another crazy guy in my life to replace the one I had just gotten rid of.

Depression: At this point, I became really worried about my own situation. Now, seriously, this is the guy who not too long ago called me in the middle of the night crying about how I didn't like him.

He is in almost every way a total fail. He is unemployed, lives with his parents, makes out with other girls at bars, can't spell, is quite possibly an alcoholic, has confirmed that he has hardcore ADHD, has major clingyness and desperation issues, all in addition to being an actual moron.

And yet, this guy had managed to find someone who was willing to overlook all those issues and willingly participate in a relationship with him. Which just led me to wonder exactly what must be wrong with me. Which is never a good train of thought to get started on.

Acceptance: And after all of this, I just came to the conclusion that this girl is probably just as crazy as Epic Fail is, thus explaining why they found each other and are now together. And really, I had nothing to be upset about.

After all, I was the girl that "broken up" with him at least two times, the first of which I promptly made out with him just to mess with his head, and the second time when I made him cry in the middle of the night. Plus I made out with his best friend in public...

(And yes, just to confirm for the umpteenth time, I am a total jerkface - really, SUCH an asshole.)

So there's absolutely no doubt in anyone's head that I am the one who blatantly rejected Epic Fail, and deemed him as less than worthy of my time because I have standards (sort of). And I have absolutely no reason to doubt myself, or feel anything about this new development.

Well, other than happy for him that he actually found someone who is willing to let him call her his girlfriend in public. And concern for her well-being. And pity that she is so hard-up she needs to settle for Epic Fail. And relief that at least one more crazy in New York is off the market.

But really, other than that, I have no feelngs whatsoever and am totally over it.

Totes McGoats.