The Laws of Attraction

I've been thinking about what it is exactly that attracts me to a person. Clearly if he's not-so-secretly psychotic or just a completely blatant scumbag then I'm totally taken in. Oh, and if you throw in a little unemployment, living with your parents, and/or sexual disfunction, then say no more, I am YOURS.

After years and years of dating assholes, I thought I had finally figured out why girls have an asshole attraction complex. It's this fantasy of being the one that finally reforms him, and the one person in the world with whom he's actually nice and caring and vulnerable.

Plus there's something ridiculously sexy about a bad boy who just acts like he doesn't care about anything, yourself included. Who needs a nice guy to treat you like a princess when you can get some hot guy to treat you like shit all the time?

Since I can't seem to get over my affinity for assholes, despite having figured out the psychology behind it, my sister has suggested that I start pursuing ugly guys, because then they will be so excited to get any girl at all that they'll definitely be nice.

I pointed out that these guys might not be used to talking to an actual girl in person, since they're only used to talking to their Princess Leia action figures at home, and she pointed out that a little social awkwardness is better than being a player.

I couldn't really argue with that point. It stuck in my head so much that last week when I was at a bar with a few friends, I saw a few uglier guys walk in, and I thought to myself, "Oh, they're not so attractive. I wonder if I should go hit on them. I bet they're nice."

And then I came to my senses. Because really, there is absolutely no logic in going to hit on the ugly dudes just because you think they might be nicer in the long run. At the end of the day, physical attraction is the starting point for any relationship.

Just so I don't come off completely shallow, there are other things that attract me to a person. I'm a sucker for anyone who is ridiculously talented at something that they have a passion for, be it music or science or art.

When I was in high school, I was madly in love with this guy who was not stereotypically attractive by any means - slightly overweight, curly hair, teenage acne. But he was the star of the basketball team and he had this beautiful tenor voice that literally made me weak in the knees whenever he sang.

I'm not sure if it's because of that, or just because girls like musicians in general, but I still cannot resist a guy who can sing. Which explains why I keep hitting on the stars of Broadway plays despite the fact that the odds are really against me there.

I guess at the end of the day, I can't explain the laws of attraction any more than I could prove the existence of perfect cuboids. But I think as long as I am aware of the traits that make me less rational than I already am, then I'm off to a good start.

And sorry little E and ugly men in general, but, I maintain my stance on my refusal to pursue ugly dudes. There are some lows that even I will not stoop to.