Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Uh Oh

So I was in the midst of sending a text message just now when I had a very scary epiphany. Followed by a scarier question:

When exactly did I start acting like a guy?

I don't want to be a guy. They smell, they adjust themselves in public, they are immature, they are inconsiderate, they don't get to wear pretty shoes, they quote Family Guy all the time, and apparently some of them think it's perfectly acceptable not to wash their hands after they use the urinal.

Because of all the above reasons, I am usually pretty happy to be female. And when someone says, "You are acting like such a girl," I take it as a compliment. Unless it's someone who really meant it in a derogatory way, in which case I kick his ass.

But recently, it has been pointed out to me that I've been exhibiting some male behavior. For example, I've been acquiring a lot of phone numbers but not calling any of them. I've been slightly flaky with guys I make plans with. And I've been dating guys I have absolutely no interest in just for the hell of it.

One of these such guys is Dry Cleaner Guy, who is pretty uninteresting and moronic, not to mention the fact that he lives with his parents in Long Island. And oh yeah, he called me arrogant and egotistical.

So he's been calling me in an attempt to get a follow-up date, and I have been elusive. Then yesterday I inadvertently picked up his call and we had the following conversation:

Dry Cleaner Guy: So, are you available on Tuesday for lunch or dinner or drinks?

Me: Errr, no Tuesday is no good...I have...errands to run during the day and dinner plans at night.

Dry Cleaner Guy: What about Wednesday?

Me: Oh Wednesdays are never good. All my friends get together to watch Lost.

Dry Cleaner Guy: Busy girl...Thursday?

Me: (Racking my brain for an excuse...can't...think...of...one...) Uhh yeah Thursday works, I think. I have to check my schedule...

Dry Cleaner Guy: Oh great, so let's say Thursday!

Me: Uhhhh sure.

At first, I thought maybe I'd just go out with him and suck it up. But then I remembered this would require actually seeing him and conversing with him for a few hours, which meant I would have to listen to the incredibly mundane details of his life and get harassed about being "arrogant."

And honestly, I'd rather lie on a bed of nails. Or get water-boarded. Or get attacked by a swarm of hornets. Or sit through a Kevin Costner movie marathon. I think you get the drift.

So I waited a day, and then sent him the following text: "Hey I have to make an emergency trip and will be out of town for the rest of the week. Raincheck on dinner."

And that's the moment I realized I had become a guy.

First of all, I was lying about an imaginary trip in lieu of telling him the truth that I would rather bore holes into my brain that sit through another dinner with him.

Second of all, I actually used the phrase, "Raincheck on dinner."

Third of all, when I sent the text message, I had absolutely no intention of ever rescheduling before hell freezes over. I was just going to never call again and refrain from picking up his calls. Which is behavior I have criticized quite vocally in the past.

This is not good. Soon I am going to have to change my name, watch Sportscenter instead of The Hills, ogle women in public, and start calling guys "bro."

Oh, what a very bleak future I have ahead of me.

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