Monday, November 23, 2009

Do Not Date These Guys

We hate all the same people

My guilty pleasure is crappy reality TV. I watch it all from the melodramatic contrived crap on MTV like The Hills, The City, The Real World to the almost legitimate talent competitions like Bravo's Top Chef and Former Bravo/Current Lifetime's Project Runway.

And yes, before you ask, it does occupy a great deal of my time and take a great deal of commitment to watch every single season of The Real Housewives of Insert State, County, or City Here. And yes, I am already aware that I should get out more.

But you know what? Watching MTV fake reality TV even though I am probably a decade over its target demographic has given me a wonderful basis for laying out the kind of bitchy girls that exist out in the world that you should not associate with, as well as the guys that you should never, ever date!

And, lucky you, I have decided to share my knowledge with you. So, as follows, the lustrous guys from horrible MTV reality shows that are stereotypes of guys to run far, far away from should you ever have the misfortune of encountering someone like them.

1) The Manipulator, Spencer Pratt from The Hills

I think Spencer Pratt is one of the most reviled reality characters to ever hit the airwaves, which either makes him a genius or just a really, really sleazy dirtbag. Considering I have no evidence for the former and a plethora of proof for the latter, I'm going to go with the sleazebag theory.

He first entered the scene by dating Heidi Montag on the second season of The Hills, back when she still resembled a nice, albeit idiotic, girl from Colorado just trying to make it in LA. Multiple plastic surgeries later, I can only blame Spencer for the transformation she has made into full-on Playboy bimbo, aspiring singer, and butt of jokes all around the world.

But what makes Spencer a Manipulator instead of just a regular old sleazy weirdo, is the shit he has managed to pull in order to coerce her to stay with him, marry him, and break off ties to her friends and family.

First, he made sure she didn't have a friend left in the world after he pressured her into moving out of her pad with ex-bestie Lauren Conrad to move into an arcade room with him. Then he spread sex tape rumors about Lauren Conrad to ensure that Heidi and her could never be friends again.

Next, he sabotaged her job by repeatedly making scenes at "events" for the "PR company" MTV claimed she worked at. She eventually got demoted and permanently screwed up any chances she ever had of having a fake MTV career.

The final denouement occurred when he alienated her family to the point where Heidi's mom was in tears over the prospect of her daughter being attached for life to this vile human being. When Heidi's sister moved onto their couch while trying to find a job in LA, he gave Heidi an ultimatum that it was "him or her sister," because sister was monopolizing the time that he wanted to lounge around on the couch, which resulted in Heidi tossing her sister out on her ass. And I didn't even mention the time he poured tequila shots down Heidi's throat in Mexico so that he could coerce her into eloping with him (knowing that her family would disapprove).

There are some crazy guys out there (read: wife beaters) who can't bear the idea of their girlfriends/wives having a life of their own. And should you ever run into one of these guys, you would be wise to change your e-mail address, phone number, and identity as quickly as you can (think Julia Roberts in Sleeping With the Enemy).

Unfortunately, I think it's too late for Heidi Montag, since she is clearly too stupid to get a grip and reclaim what little bit of a life she once had. But that's ok, because who really ever cared about her anyway?

2) The Douchebag, Freddie Fackelmayer from The City

If Spencer Pratt is representative of the typical LA sleazebag who will do anything to get on TV and "famous," then Freddie Fackelmayer is his East Coast doppelganger, the New York douchebag that thinks he's the hottest shit the city has ever seen and will take any opportunity he can to brag about his summer home in the Hamptons.

- He's from Greenwich and uses the word "summer" as a verb as in "We summer in Nantucket!"
- He "works" in real estate.
- He is always immaculately groomed down to his orange fake tan, super white caps, and shiny coif.
- He wears gingham shirts.
- He brought his father on his second date with poor, clueless Whitney Port.
- He dated Whitney despite the fact that he already had a secret girlfriend.
- His uber white teeth against the background of his orange, shiny skin give me nightmares.

- He probably grooms more than any girl I know, maintaining weekly fake and bake, waxing, teeth-whitening, hair, and manicure appointments.
- He almost definitely wears Lily Pulitzer seersucker suits in the summertime, not only for the perfectly-coordinated family photos in Nantucket.
- He spends his weekends at Ten June ordering bottle service and talking to his friends about how superior and awesome they are since they don't have to order drinks at the bar like those poorer, less-orange folk down below.
- He reeks of Cool Water and, to quoth Jack Donaghy on 30 Rock, "self-tanning cream and teeth whitener."

Unfortunately, most New York girls have made the mistake of dating a typical New York douchebag at least once (in my case, it's been many of a variety!), but if a guy's teeth are that white, I think it's a fair statement to say that you should run as fast you can in the opposite direction. As much fun as it is to say "Fackelmayer," it's definitely not worth the summers in Nantucket you would have to endure while his dad calls his mother "Bunny" and asks the butler to fetch more ice for his 30-year-old scotch.

Plus he might be a vampire...and not the hot kind.

3) The Cheater, Jason Wahler from The Hills/Laguna Beach

Jason Wahler, during two seasons of Laguna Beach, managed to cheat on pretty much every girl he got within a 10-foot distance of. He would cheat on one girl with another, start dating the other one, and then the new girl would actually be shocked when he then (gasp!) cheated on her!

Really? You didn't see that one coming?

But the most blatant of these infidelities happened while he was dating the aforementioned Lauren Conrad. The idiot made out with his ex-girlfriend, Jessica at the backstage of Lauren's fashion show right in front of her. And then lied about it and said, "Well she kissed me Babe..." The nerve! You're on national TV Babe!

I almost have to give him props for his brazen disregard of TV cameras. And logic.

What's truly unfortunate is that even after Lauren did the right thing and tossed his lying ass to the curb, they later reconciled and she forgave him for that whole "cheating right in front of me at my own event" thing, and even went so far as to forgo a dream job opportunity in Paris to shack up with him on the beach for the summer.

(To be fair, that was her own fault. Feminists all over the world screamed at their TV sets that you never choose your crappy boyfriend over your career. At least the feminists that watch The Hills. Ok by feminists, I obviously mean just me. And yes, I have already acknowledged that I get too caught up in this faux melodrama and I need to get out more!)

Not too surprisingly they ended up breaking up after he had a violent outburst that forced her to move apartments. Oh, and he got a DUI and wound up in rehab. He's a real winner, that Jason...

4) The Bad Boy, Justin Bobby from The Hills

He rides a motorcycle. He wears leather. He doesn't know how to shower. He apparently has no concept of what a razor is. You kind of want to force him into a SuperCuts and tell them to lop it off. Everything, you say, I have no idea what his face looks like under all that mess.

And in addition to these totally attractive and redeeming qualities, he is also a total flake! Because his bad boy image entails disappearing for days at a time without contacting you to maintain his mystique (I mean what kind of street cred would he have if he was volunteering at animal shelters in his spare time), meaning that you will be stood up multiple times and he will not respond to your multiple texts/calls, but just expect you to put up with it when he shows back up on your doorstep.

I get the attraction to the bad boy. They look dangerous and hot and like the sex would just be so dirty and awesome you would never look at a bar of soap the same way again. And when they actually do something nice, like break into your apartment to make you dinner or give you a promise ring, it means all that much more than it would coming from a nice guy because you think he's finally reformed and is going to settle down for you.

But it never really works out that way because he never actually changes and you just end up feeling dirty and used and itchy.

So there you go, folks. My comprehensive guide to the guys that MTV and I don't want you to date. Be wary, and for God's sakes, if Freddie Fackelmayer asks if he can blind you with his magically white teeth, JUST SAY NO!

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