Monday, November 30, 2009

You're So Blah

Sorry I fell asleep before, during, or milliseconds after sex

Months ago at a bar out with my friends, I met a guy who I went out on a date with (dinner and a movie, he paid, talked too much during said movie), and decided there was absolutely no potential there (partially because of the movie-talking), but continued to see him anyway. What, he's got a really good body AND pretty eyes! And I've already discussed how those are my weaknesses.

Well every time I sat down at my computer in an attempt to write something funny or anecdotal about him, I ended up sitting here and getting weirded out by Lady Gaga music videos (Seriously, I love her music, but why does she have to be so weird?). Basically, the kid is not particularly bright and even worse, not particularly interesting in any way, which is why I affectionately refer to him as "Yawn."

Even now, I'm trying to think of something funny Yawn said or did at some point ever, and I really got nothing. This one time he told me that his family business makes neon sign lights. And he's really proud of being from the Mid-west. And he owns the DVD of "The Notebook" because he thinks it's a surefire way to get a girl to sleep with you. Ha, ok that last one was kind of funny, but also sad.

Once again in my defense, he's tall. And has REALLY pretty eyes. And fantastic arms and shoulders. And if he didn't talk at all and was about fifty IQ points higher, he might actually resemble someone worth dating!

Unfortunately, though, I seem to be meeting dullards more than anything else. The only guys who have asked me out in the past couple months have been incredibly generic, nice, blah, white guys. And yes, there is far worse out there in the world.

Far, far worse.
- Like Chad Ocho Cinco.
- And that guy who yelled BAM! and karate-chopped my face any time he said anything he thought was amusing, Shmucks.
- Oh, oh and I can't forget Epic Fail, who made out with another girl next to me on our first date and cried when I said I just wanted to be friends after knowing each other a month.

Yeah that's right. You take a look at those guys and a boring guy who owns "The Notebook" to score with chicks doesn't look so bad anymore, now does he?

So then last weekend I went out to meet a friend of mine from college, G, who is now a lawyer, so I knew the party was going to be an assortment of his law friends. It turned out that I was the only person present who was not a lawyer, which seems like the set up to some sort of joke. But when I asked them hypothetically if I was to get arrested, how quickly they could take care of the situation, all of them told me they were corporate international lawyers, so they couldn't do anything to help and would basically leave me rotting away in a holding cell. Lame.

After listening to a few conversations filled with words I didn't understand, I pulled my friend G aside to ask if there were any single, nice guys that he knew. G and his fiance thought about it, saying that they know so many single girls but so few single guys (story of my life...) when she suddenly said, "Well what about Ohio Guy? And G lit up and said, "Yes Ohio Guy is really nice and he's single; he is really, really a nice guy."

Well it had been quite a while since I heard so many "nice" adjectives peppered into the description of a guy, so I assumed Ohio Guy had to be something special and from across the room looked quite cute, so I let G's fiance introduce the two of us.

Ohio Boy is from Ohio (duh) and actually currently lives in Cleveland right now because he is doing his clerkship there and will return to the city to work at a firm in the middle of 2010, not too far from now. And right up front let me say that G was true to word and Ohio Guy is completely, absolutely, just really nice.

I think the niceness is partly due to growing up in the Mid-west, where they tend to be bred nicer than New Yorkers. But it's also partly due to the fact that he is very, very, very innocent.

The first hint of this was when we got into the cab and he fully strapped himself in in the backseat. In all the years I have lived in New York and climbed in and out of hundreds of cabs, I have never EVER seen someone put their seatbelt on. In the backseat of my friend's cars, I can't remember the last time I wore a seatbelt. It's just baffling behavior. Very safe, very punctilious behavior, but so confusing.

Anyways it just got stranger after the seatbelt act. He then told me he had never drank alcohol before he turned 21 and he celebrated his 21st birthday by having a beer with his parents. One beer. To which my mouth fell open and I asked him what the hell he did during college. Apparently it was a lot of weekends home and movies.

(I, on the other hand, had already puked in a cab from alcohol when I was 15, and spent my freshman year of college taking shots of grain alcohol and Absinthe because it was cheap and potent. I have no idea I was thinking. Oh, to be young and hangover-free again...)

In the midst of me asking questions about when was the first time he had ever gotten drunk and what was that like, he tried to divert me by volunteering the fact that he didn't lose his virginity until he was 23. That's right. TWENTY THREE. He's 27 now which means he has been sexually active for FOUR YEARS.

Curiouser and curiouser...

Now I don't know about you, but that knowledge rocked my world. He finally lost it to some girl when he was drunk. And he admitted he was awful. At this point I obviously stopped picking on him about the drinking and pestered him with questions about his lack of sexual activity until he was clearly uncomfortable and kissed me, pretty much just to shut me up.

Of course, the whole time we were making out all I could think about was how I have been having sex for twice the amount of time that he has, and that I could probably outdrink him on any given day. Which, of course, led to me bursting into a lot of giggles, really sexy I know.

So needless to say, poor Ohio Guy met an obnoxious NY girl on his weekend visiting from Cleveland, she made fun of him all night about his slow social-development, and all he got was a little making out interrupted by laughter and sleep.

What can I say, I'm a great date.

Ohio Guy flew back to Cleveland the next day, and just to prove how ridiculously nice he really is, has already texted me to say he got in and would like to hang out again when he's in town. Any normal guy would already have deleted my phone number and headed for the hills, but no Ohio Guy is not freaked out by my tormenting him and not putting out. He actually wants to make plans to see me again.

Now, this is just me being a bitch, but I feel like even the niceness would get old after a while. I like my people to have a little bit of an edge to them; after all we are in New York.

So while I am definitely not advocating bringing the douchebags back into my life, I am somewhat bored by the amounts of blah I've been encountering lately. Is there a happy medium between fun douchebag and boring nice guy? I mean, they have managed to make an animal hybrid of a lion and leopard, so I definitely think there's hope for me.

(And no, that picture isn't photo-shopped, it's an ACTUAL leopon. What are those crazy scientists going to come up with next?!)

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