Monday, December 21, 2009


Owning a cat lowers your chances of seeing my pussy

So I constantly make jokes about how I am on the path to becoming a cat lady and will soon be knitting sweaters for my dozen cats in my apartment if this spinsterhood goes on for much longer.

But what I didn't realize earlier is that my guy friend T is actually not so secretly a wannabe cat lady!

One day, out of nowhere, girlfriend S and I were joking around about how we're going to be cat ladies and the following conversation ensued:

S: Ew, no, I hate cats.

T: What do you mean you hate cats? Do you also hate awesome? Do you hate freedom? Do you hate America?

S: Um, no I just hate cats.

T: What, you need a pet that's going to jump all over you and pretend to love you just because you're there? So when you walk in the door it'll wet itself? No way, I want a pet that I will have for ten years and then MAYBE in year eleven it'll let me touch its elbow. You have to WORK for a cat's affection; they make you EARN it.

S: Look, I'm not saying I like dogs either, but cats are evil.

T: So hypothetically let's say I buy you a pet kitten, an adorable little thing, for your birthday. What would you do?

S: I would drown it in my sink.

Me: Whoa that's slightly extreme. You wouldn't just give it away to like a child or something? You would have to kill it?

S: Yes that's how much I hate cats.

T: Wow. Just wow.

(In S's defense, cats can be pretty scary...)

S: The real question is if you know that I hate cats, why would you give me a kitten for my birthday? You would be the one responsible for its death!

T: Well I didn't know you would kill it. I didn't think anyone hated cats that much. How could you hate cats? They're such clean animals. I want to get in a bathtub with a cat and have it clean me.

S: Gross! What is wrong with you?!

Me: That is a disgusting image that I will now never be able to get out of my head.

T: Too much? Did I take it too far? I take it back...

So after that, it obviously became a running joke between all our friends that T loves cats and S hates them with a passion. We even started recruiting teams: Team T wants to adopt a litter of cats and bathe with them and Team S is not a fan of the proposition.

About a month ago, driving past a convention center in my hometown, we spotted a giant sign that said there was a "CAT SHOW" occurring, and immediately sent a picture of the sign to T. He got very excited and sent out e-mails asking if we all wanted to get dinner after the cat show, since we were obviously all going. And one by one we all made up excuses we couldn't make it (just kidding, I was out of town, but I wasn't going to go anyway...)

I did, however, have many questions about the whole cat show thing.

Was a cat show like a dog show where they were paraded around by breed? Was that even possible since I can't imagine a cat obeying the orders to walk around in a circle on a leash and have its privates examined without viciously scratching the judge's face? Were there prizes? Did the cats dress up in costumes and do a runway walk? Did you have to bring your own cat or could you attend cat-less? Did the human beings dress up as cats?

It looked as though I would never get the answers to these burning questions and would have to go through my remaining days wondering about the cat show when bestie R sent me a photo of a creepy old man holding a cat dressed up in a leather biker outfit, complete with sunglasses and hat.

It turns out one of R's "friends" owns a cat furniture business (yes, a business that manufactures and sells high-end cat furniture, such as beds and sofas that cost hundreds of dollars) and sponsored a booth at the cat show. He had also been recruiting for people to help out at the show.

So not only did T miss out on a chance to attend the cat show and spend a day with his beloved felines, he would've been paid to do so. And if that's not the American Dream, I don't know what is. Wasn't this country founded on the hope that someday its citizens would be able to do what they love AND get paid for it, even when it's something totally disturbing like hanging out with cats in creepy costumes?

Needless to say, T is still a little bitter about the whole situation, missing out on the cat fiesta and whatnot. I'm not sure if he's going to get over it anytime soon.

I'm thinking that a cat sofa might be just the thing to appease him though, and now I know where I can get a discount on some cat furniture.

In addition to the awesome Christmas present I already picked out for him, "Kitten Mittons" from Paddy's Pub, home of the original "Kitten Mittons." What more could a cat-lover want?! I mean, other than a pet cat...

Sorry T, maybe next year we'll get you an actual kitten. And I promise to keep S away from it, so there aren't any cat demises on my conscience.

No comments: