Thursday, December 24, 2009

Ho Ho Ho!

I'd be totally into your invitation to go Christmas caroling if it wasn't for my aversion to singing in public, spreading cheer, and freezing my tits off

Dear Santa Claus,

Although I am sure that I have done some things this year that would automatically qualify me for the "Naughty List," I would like to take this opportunity to point out the good deeds that should be factored into your in-depth evaluation:

1) I taught several assholes that they shouldn't make inappropriate and/or racist comments to strangers by hitting them in the nuts. Now, I know initially this may be mistaken for violent and unstable behavior, but really if you consider my motivations behind the ball-slapping, you will see that I am just a do-gooder trying to ensure that these douchebags don't offend anyone else in the future, and ideally render them infertile so they don't pass on their racist views to future generations.

2) If you don't count the guys who held back tears while icing their balls after I launched my stealthy attack on their gonads, I only made one guy (that I know of) cry. And I managed to avoid killing anyone, which is no small feat when you consider the fact that I spent a good amount of time in Murray Hill.

3) I single-handedly did my part to boost the economy out of a recession by repeatedly going into debt with my shopping problem and traveling around the US to exotic locations such as Puerto Rico, Miami, Chicago, Martha's Vineyard, Newport, and Pittsburgh. You haven't really lived until you've driven across the middle of Pennsylvania through miles and miles of farm-land and stopped at a Sheetz outside of Altoona. In fact this was the first year in about a decade that I didn't use my passport because I was only traveling within the good ole' USA.

4) Out of the goodness of my heart, I set up a guy friend on a non-consensual man date. This was clearly an altruistic act since I didn't even stick around at the bar to see how Operation: Bromance turned out. And even though I got a lot of amusement out of the whole thing and the parties involved weren't quite as enthused, I still think I am owed a thank you card or some sort of gift basket.

5) Over Thanksgiving, Little Sister E and I had a craving for cake in the middle of the night and decided to make some from scratch. Since we couldn't find the brownie pan, we were forced to use the bread loaf pan and subsequently made a delicious snack concoction that looked like pound cake, but had the consistency and taste of yellow butter cake; thus introducing into the world to what we have termed "Cake Loaf." If that's not a contribution to society, I don't know what is.

In conclusion, I think I did a pretty good job this year of behaving myself and doing unto others and all that other bullshit. And as a reward, all I would really like to find in my stocking tomorrow morning is that clutch I've been eyeing from Bottega Veneta. And some sort of hand-eye coordination so I stop injuring myself regularly. And a bottle of Peppermint Schnapps because you know how I love free booze. And Chris Pine or Corey Monteith. (If they don't fit over the fireplace, feel free to just send them up to my bedroom.) And a puppy. And someone to take care of the afore-mentioned puppy because I question my capabilities to handle that much responsibility.

Actually you can forget all that other stuff if you could just throw me a bone and relocate some cute, intelligent, not-crazy, single guys to Manhattan. And make me 22 again. You have that kind of power, right?

So Mr. Claus, enjoy the slice of Cake Loaf that we have left out for you and sorry about the 2% milk, but my parents decided whole milk was too fattening. And you're welcome for the kalhua that I may or may not have slipped in. I figure no one can be that jolly on the most stressful workday of the year without copious amounts of booze. Don't worry; it'll be our little secret.

Merry Christmas!

Until Next Year,

Official Nice List Applicant,


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