They Make the Rockin' World Go Round

I have this theory that nerds are better in bed than hot guys for the simple reason that they try harder. The hot guys always easily got girls and therefore never had to actually put any effort into the sex to keep girls coming back, whereas the nerds needed to bring something to the table to have a chance to have sex at all.

And to quoth the genius of Revenge of the Nerds, "Jocks only think about sports. Nerds only think about sex."

I've honed this theory over time. A while ago, I was dating Client Boy, a self-absorbed and sociopathic idiot I had once worked with who stood me up multiple times and then sent me inappropriate text messages for about a year, even after I had blown him off repeatedly.

The only reason that I dated him in the first place is that he is ridiculously good looking. I'm talking model good looks. He's 6'5", with a lean muscular body, deep soulful brown eyes, perfect hair, sexy lips, sigh. Back in the days he was my client, the girls in my office would just sit around and stare at pictures of him.

So I had high hopes for him in the sex department, but soon discovered that he was awful, just terrible. I mean, he gives new meaning to the term "jackhammer." It was one of the most disappointing experiences of my life.

I later found out through mutual friends that he has a reputation around some circles of being terrible in bed. Apparently (many) other girls around the city had fallen for his boyish good looks, just as I had, only to suffer through the ordeal that he is under the impression qualifies as sex.

He also confessed to me later that many meant MANY, as in he had slept with over 100 girls already, which is no small feat considering he was only 27 at the time. This was a whole new level of manwhore, so it's no wonder he had a reputation throughout the city. It's only a shame that I didn't know about it prior to my wasting my time.

Knowing what I know now, it's no surprise that he was horrendous in bed. I mean the kid didn't give a shit about anything but himself in life, so why should sex be any different? Let that be a lesson to you girls. If a guy is selfish in life, he's probably also selfish in bed.

So in the multiple ensuing conversations I have had with friends about my theory that nerds try harder, I've found out that guys have a similar theory, only it applies to fat girls.

According to my male sources, fat girls try harder in bed because otherwise they don't get laid. Unlike attractive girls who can just pick up a guy whenever they feel like it, the fat girls need to put on a show and do something special so that they have an edge over more attractive females, and can keep a guy coming back for more.

My initial reaction was that this doesn't logically make sense since girls who have positive body-image and self-confidence are more comfortable with themselves and subsequently tend to be better in bed. That isn't to say that I don't think a heavier girl shouldn't be happy with her body; it just happens that in my experience, as a girl's weight increases, her physical self-confidence plummets.

I've been hard-pressed to find a guy that will actually CONFIRM this theory, since most guys don't like to admit that they sleep with fat girls. I'm pretty sure my guy friends are just covering for a night that they choose not to remember, because every one of them has told me, "Well I heard that from my friends. I personally wouldn't know." I'm calling bullshit, guys.

I don't really have any fat girlfriends to ask about this either. I'm not weight-ist or anything; I just happen to have friends that are very active in their day-to-day lives (two of them just ran half-marathons, you go girls!). And I don't really care to have a token fat friend just to make me look skinnier when we go out together.

Not to mention that even if I did have a fat friend, I'm not sure how I would even broach that question: "Hey, do you think you're better in bed because otherwise guys wouldn't have sex with you because you're overweight?" Yeah, that would be an easy way to prompt someone to commit suicide and I'm not comfortable with being held responsible for that.

So basically, unless I can convince a guy I know to go sleep around with a lot of skinny girls and then a lot of fat girls and draw up generalizations for me, I have no way of confirming or denying this rumor. And really, if I know someone who is willing to do that, I'm not sure I want to be friends with him.

I am highly skeptical there is any real correlation between weight and being good in bed; it's probably one of those rumors that guys spread around to convince their wingmen to take one for the team and hook up with the fatter girl so they can have the more attractive one to themselves. That sounds about right.

But, I stand by my theory about nerds. If you're ever looking for a night of good sex, bypass the hot, cocky guys at the bar and go find the unassuming science nerds discussing the intricacies of mechanical engineering in the corner.