Cry Baby

Immediately after I recovered from my bout with bronchitis, my long-awaited moving day came along.

I had gone to sleep early the night prior, knowing that the movers and my mom were coming at 9AM, and I still had some packing to do before they arrived, not to mention I had a long day ahead of me. I had also left my phone on loud just in case anyone needed to reach me in the morning.

Instead at 4AM, my phone rang loudly and I picked it up automatically without seeing who it was and answered in what I can only imagine was a very groggy and angry voice, "What do you want?"

And to my utter amazement and un-amusement, it was Epic Fail. The last time I saw him was the night I accidentally kissed him, even though I had told him I just wanted to be friends only a few days earlier.

To atone for my jerkface behavior, I had kept my distance since, knowing that I didn't think clearly around alcohol and blue eyes. I figured he would eventually take the hint when I didn't respond to his texts and was always "too busy" to hang out.

Wrong, as usual, here he was calling four hours before I had to be awake for my move and the conversation went as follows:

Epic Fail: Heeeeey, what are you up to?

Me: Are you kidding me? It's 4AM and I am moving tomorrow, I mean today. I am SLEEPING.

Epic Fail: Ooooh...did I wake you?

Me: Uhhh, yeah! What do YOU think?

Epic Fail: Sorry, I just wanted to tell you that I asked my friends to help with your move.

Me: What? I hired movers...they'll be here in the morning. I hired them weeks ago. I don't need your friends' help.

Epic Fail: Ooooh, I didn't realize you'd hired movers.

Me: Yeah, I did. I don't need any help.

Epic Fail: Well, can I come by anyway?

Me: No, I'd prefer you didn't. There will be a lot of people around what with the movers and my mom, and I don't need any extra bodies around.

Epic Fail: Soooo you don't want me to meet your mom?

Me: Well, frankly, no. But that's not the issue. I just don't need any extra stress while I'm moving.

Epic Fail: So you think I'm stressful?

(SIDE NOTE: This would've been a really great time to just tell him I had to go to sleep and hang up the phone. In hindsight, this was the action I should have taken.)

Me: Yes, right now, I think you're stressful.

Epic Fail: Well, I just wanted to tell you that I really like you, and you've been kind of out of touch lately, so I wanted to know what's going on in your head.

Me: I already told you that I think we should just be friends.

Epic Fail: But I thought you might like me...I REALLY like you.

Me: You've only known me for a month. You don't KNOW me well enough to really like me.

Epic Fail: I think I do.

(SIDE NOTE: Ok now just a reminder that at this point it's like 4:15AM and I have to be up in a few hours, and I am just thoroughly fed up.)

Me: No, I don't think you do, because if you did you'd know that I have been talking to other guys and I am not interested in dating you, especially not exclusively.

Silence.

Epic Fail (wobbly voice): Wow, S, that really hurt me.

Me: Oh, Jesus, are you crying?

Epic Fail (totally crying): No....I'm just really hurt....What am I supposed to do now? Just wait around for you?

Me: Absolutely not. Go live your life!

Epic Fail: I wish you'd told me that two months ago.

Me: Once again, I did not know you two months ago.

Epic Fail (weepy): Well, I wish you'd told me that...

Me: Ok, fine, I'm sorry I didn't find you two months ago even though I didn't even know you yet and tell you that you should live your life. I apologize.

Epic Fail (weepier): This is a lot for me to think about. I need to talk to you later.

Click.

Yep, he hung up on me.

Relieved, I just went to sleep.

And sure enough, the next day, he texted me to see how my move had gone and how I was doing and tell me he had been really drunk when he had called me and he was sorry.

For the record, I love that he apologized to me even though I was the one that was a total (justified) asshole. And I think he's just pretending he doesn't remember that we talked because the entire thing was just embarrassing to him, being the one who cried like a little baby.

I'm just going to assume he does recall the conversation, and is acting like he doesn't to save face, and consider this the formal end of our non-relationship. Good riddance.