Sunday, March 15, 2009

Pre St. Paddy's Day Fun

So yesterday girlfriend R and I decided to participate in a St. Patty's Day Bar Crawl across the city.

True to form, the city was filled with obnoxious drunkards roaming the streets, yelling, causing fights (self included, obvi).

Knowing it was going to be a marathon day of drinking, I had prepared vigorously by getting a full night's sleep and eating a large brunch in the morning, full of carbs to soak up the massive amounts of alcohol that would later be imbibed.

However, nothing could have prepared me for how the way the day would play out.

First off, drinking all day means that the second you stop, you are going to get massively hungover and pass out, which is how I wound up fast asleep at 8PM fully dressed in my bed.

Secondly, when you decide that you'll hand out your phone number to really anyone that asks, you should take into account that if his girlfriend is standing right there, she might get upset when you actually give it to him...

Thirdly, when a guy tells you that he'll give you pretty green St. Patty's Day beads if you'll rub bellies with him in the middle of the bar, and you actually do it thinking it's not a very big deal at all, prepare to be called "the belly rub chick" for the rest of your known association with him and his stupid drunk friends.

But perhaps the greatest thing about the day, other than seeing grown men and women fall down in the streets in their own vomit, was the plethora of odd lines I was the recipient of throughout the day.

One particular winner at a bar opened with, "Hey, if I actually knew your name, and we were friends on LinkedIn, I wouldn't write you a positive recommendation."

He followed up with, "Did you know one in five people in the US has an STD? I hate events like this because they give you these dirty plastic cups and you don't know whose is whose, there's always a chance you could pick up a communicable disease from the cup."

I just looked at him in stunned silence before turning to R and saying to her, in front of him, "Can you believe he just said that to me? In a bar?"

She just shook her head in disbelief.

He got the point and retreated to his group of equally loserish friends.

Then at another bar, I was talking to this guy and asked him casually what he does for a living and he responded, "I'm a tugboat captain."

I obviously didn't believe him so I turned to his friend for confirmation and the guy said, unprompted, "Yeah he's a tugboat captain. When I met him a year ago he wasn't a captain yet, but he got promoted."

The tugboat captain then said to me (I really couldn't make this up if I tried), "I'd love to take you out on the tugboat sometime. We have to take it pretty slow, but you can still feel the wind in your hair."

And then his friend turned to R and said, "If you gave me your number, we could all go out on the tugboat together!"

That's right folks, there MAY be a tugboat ride in the future for R and I. Stay tuned...

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